Shots Across The Bow

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season, both secular and sacred. The New Year brings a promise of new achievements, new chances, and new dreams. It also brings new challenges.

The year ahead does not look like it will be a good one. Wars and rumors of wars fill our ears; North Korea. Iraq. Al Qaida. Peace on Earth seems a distant dream. It reminds me of the old curse, "May you live in interesting times."

These are certainly interesting times.

I started to write something profound and inspirational about the coming New Year; about coming through the darkness to a better world on the other side, but that just isn't me. While there are some writers who can change a world with their words, I'm not one of them. I work best on a different stage. I'm an entertainer, at least I hope to be. If I can get you to smile or laugh for a minute, then I've done well. If I make you think a little, or see something from a slightly different perspective, then that's even better. If I can touch your heart, then that's the best I can do.

This blog has changed over the last year, hopefully for the better. There have been cosmetic changes, and server changes, as well as software changes, but more importantly, the content has changed. There is more of me in what I write now, and less of the pundit. I like the change, and I hope you do as well.

There will be more changes in the future, as I get used to MT, and learn more about css. (For example, I'll figure out how to keep entries on the index, even if I take a few days off. Thanks for the heads up, Bob!) As for content, I hope that will improve as well.

I want to thank all of you who have read these scribblings of mine, especially those who have encouraged me to continue. Your support has meant a lot to me. I've had several people encourage me to try and get something published, either a book, or some magazine articles. (Thanks Mom!) Who knows what the future might bring?

Well, the boys are dying to get on the computer for their daily EverQuest fix, so I'm going to wrap this up, but first, my goals for the New Year:

1. Publish a piece somewhere and get paid for it.
   
2. A 36 inch waist. I lost almost 80 pounds last year. This year, I'm looking for another 20 or so.
   
3. Teach my kids to put their dirty dishes in the dish washer instead of the sink.
   
4. Finish remodeling the family room, and start on the living room.
   
5. Build a grandfather clock
   
6. Sell a few woodturnings.
   
7. Teach my kids that any dream is achievable, if you are willing to work at it.
   

Looking over the list, number 3 is going to be the biggest challenge...

Happy New Year y'all!

Health Insurance is a Scam

You walk up to a table in a casino in Las Vegas. The dealer explains up front that the house has its percentage, and the game is rigged so that most people will lose, and lose big. You step away from the table, only to find two very large gentlemen who are very insistent that you play the game. In fact, they will become most unpleasant if you continue to refuse to play, intimating all kinds of unfortunate consequences unless you bet now. They even go so far as to tell you how much to bet, and what to bet on.

What does this have to do with health insurance?

Insurance of any kind is a con game where you are forced to bet against yourself, knowing that you are going to lose money. Las Vegas never had it so good!

It’s like this: for an insurance company to make a profit, it must take in more money than it puts out. For this to happen, on average each customer must pay more for his policy than he gets back in benefits. All the talk of 'cost sharing' and 'spreading the risk' is a smoke screen; the bottom line is that when we buy insurance, we pay more than we get back.

So why do we do it? Because most of us get our insurance through work, and we don't see just how much we are actually paying. We think we are getting more than we are paying, when the opposite is true. Take a look at your next pay stub, and see how much you are paying for health insurance. Now multiply by 4, and you'll get your employers contribution. Add the two together and multiply by 26 to get your annual health insurance bill.

Staggering isn't it? On average, employers pay 80% of the cost of your health insurance. Just ask a laid off worker how much his COBRA coverage costs.

I pay $56.50 bi weekly. My employer pays another $250 biweekly for a total annual cost of roughly $8000. Do I spend that much on an annual basis? Heck no! And I’m raising 6 kids. Now, financial advisors will tell us that we will recoup our costs when we get older, since we will be spending more on health care by then. Of course, most of us will no longer be on private insurance by then; we will have retired, and be on Medicare. Our excess payments will remain with the insurance company, to be paid out on somebody else’s claim. But even if we were still on private insurance, if the average man gets all of his money back, the insurance companies would go broke. Remember what I said at the start; if the insurance companies want to survive, then on average they must pay out less than they take in.

I've seen some of their buildings, and their balance sheets. They aren't going broke.

In order for the system to work, those who claim in excess of what they pay in must be outnumbered by those who claim less than what they pay in, which means that for the majority of the people, they will pay in more than they get back. In Vegas, this is called a sucker bet, and the house loves gamblers who take it. Additionally, insurance companies set their premiums based on total claims over the past year, adjusting the rates to ensure a slight profit. In Vegas, it’s called the house’s edge, and it is what pays for all those multi million dollar casinos and resorts.

Now here’s where it really gets fun, and where Bugsy Seigel could have learned a thing or two. In same cases, insurance is mandatory, either through law or necessity. For example, in most states, you must carry auto insurance in order to drive legally. Insurance companies, and the lawyers that follow them like hyenas have lobbied for and won legislation forcing you to take the wrong end of a sucker bet. Auto insurance isn’t quite as bad as health insurance, because there is no employer to hide the cost, which keeps it somewhat in check. But, because it is mandatory, market forces are limited, and in every state where auto insurance became mandatory, rates rose by as much as 200%.

In the case of health insurance, the necessity is a little subtler. Insurance companies routinely negotiate discounts for services rendered to patients on their plan. These discounts are often at or below the doctor’s costs. How does he make up the difference, so he can feed his family? He raises the price for non-insured patients. Check out your last insurance claim report. Check the difference between what the doctor charged, and what the insurance covered. The difference can be staggering. I know of one gentleman whose daughter stayed in the hospital overnight. The hospital bill was roughly $6000. The insurance company paid $700.

The worst part is that it is all unnecessary. If my employer paid me the $500 he pays for my insurance, I know I could invest it for a higher return than any private insurance company. I don’t have the overhead of adjustors, secretaries, boards of directors, advertising, and so on to cover. 100% that money could be dedicated towards creating a medical savings account, covering my health care far more effectively than an insurance company could. Of course, it would throw a lot of insurance company employees out of work, but we need to get rid of the parasites before they suck us dry.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: What about the people who won’t save their money? What do we do about them? Let them suffer?

Yes. Why shouldn’t people face the consequences of their actions?

What about those who don’t make enough money to save for medical care?

Medical care can be provided as part of a safety net designed to help those who can’t help themselves, but it should be need based, and repaid through money, time, or service. Staff these public clinics with doctors, who can serve in lieu of paying off student loans. Patients pay once they are back on their feet, either with cash, volunteer hours, or, if they have a business, through services. But that is another post for another time.

Lott is gone!

Breaking news from yahoo

Sen. Trent Lott will step down as Senate Republican leader, a senior GOP aide close to the Mississippian said Friday, two weeks after Lott's endorsement of Strom Thurmond's 1948 segregationist presidential bid touched off a national uproar.

That's a win for the Republican Party. We get a more effective Senate Majority leader, as well as demonstrate a break from the old image of conservatism.

Ed revisited

This is why I didn't like the whole, 'Ed leaving Carol' plotline. The last couple of episodes have really just ignored the whole thing. Yes, we got the shot of Ed and Carol burying the hatchet, and now they behave as if nothing happened. Yes, the other characters discuss it peripherally, but it no longer rings true. There are no scars on either Ed or Carol. Life goes on in Stuckeyville, at least until the next sweeps when we will see another manufactured crisis, as Ed gets closer to his new love interest.

It's just too artificial.

On the other hand, Alias is remaining faithful to it's concept and plot lines. If you haven't been watching this show, you've really been missing out. It's a spy thriller, but the best parts have more to do with personal relationships than with espionage. I won't try to bring you up to speed; there are several websites that will do that, but so far the show has remained consistent with it's storylines, while still throwing in the occasional surprise. The best example was the season premiere, where Sydney's mother turned herself in to the CIA. This was a great echo of the pilot, whre Sydney turned herself in, becoming a double agent for the CIA. The one forshadowed the other, giving us a framework to support the surprise. Of course, we don't know whether Irina is on the level, or advancing her own agenda, but we don't completely disbelieve that it could have happened. It was a shock, but within the bounds established by the series.

Of course, I am still watching Ed, because the Ed-Carol storyline was only one part of the show. The new lawyer they introduced this week will provide a good foil for Ed; it was nice to see Molly get a little more meat to her role; we got to spend sometime with Phil, on another bizarre entrepenurial journey; the only thing missing was Shirley. I am sad to see them recycling the "new love interest for Ed' angle again. Let's leave his love life alone for awhile....

I'm confused...

I just started dating again. I've been out several times over the last few weeks, and I've had a great time, but the reaction of my friends and family has got me worried.

My son's basketball coach came up to me the other day, and said he heard from my son that I had started dating again. I said that yes, I had been out on a couple of dates, and then he congratulated me in a tone of voice usually reserved for those who just successfully climbed Mount Everest.

It struck me as a little strange. After all, I hadn't won the Nobel Prize or anything, just went out for dinner and a movie with a woman. It wouldn't have struck me, but he was the third or fourth person with that reaction, congratulating me for managing to get a date.

Strange....I mean, it's not like I'm the elephant man or anything. I guess it's sort of like I just recovered from a long illness, and they are congratulating me on getting well. It's just a little odd to be congratulated for doing something so simple as going out on a date.

I wonder what it'll take to get a trophy?

New addition to the Rocky Top Brigade!

Via SKBubba, we have a new presence gracing us in the rocky Top Brigade, a Southern Belle known as Sugarfused. She adds a welcome note of charm and grace to our otherwise testosterone soaked group. Welcome, dear lady, and make yourself at home.

Rules of Etiquette for Yankees visiting Heaven (AKA the South)

More reader mail:

How to Get Your Butt Kicked in The South

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

2. Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick butt.

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here its called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an butt kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your butt.

5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your butt.

6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.

7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your butt.

8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Michigan. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.

9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your butt home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your butt.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your butt all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grannies or they'll kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your butt.

Y'all have a nice day!

From my mail

A little rosy, but true enough:

I Can't Believe You Made It! If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

(Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

Your education dollars at work

I went to the Middle School basketball game tonight because my daughter was playing in the pep band. The basketball team lost, but the band won. Of course, they were playing unopposed, which helped them pull it out in the 4th quarter.

Anyway, on my way out of the gym after the game, I saw a flyer on the gym door listing "exploratory" classes available to the children. I'm not sure what the exact pupose of these courses were, but I certainly don't think "Board games and how to play them" is a suitable subject for school. "Tanagrams" does help develop an eye for spatial relationships, but does it deserve a class of it's own? Then again, they could take the class on "Trivia" which will come in handy if they're picked for the syndicated version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" It really is a good course; it covers Disney and the Wizard of Oz.

But my favorite has to be, and I'm not making this up, "History of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle."

I think I've discovered why Johnny can't read; between Intramural Basketweaving and "How to Balance your Checkbook" they ran out of time to teach him how.

Healthcare and Insurance

Interesting discussion on healthcare going on over at Bubba's. Here's my take, as posted in a comment:

Why is it a "right" to have access to healthcare? Is it one of the "inalienable" rights enumerated in the Declaration of Independence? It isn't in my copy, but maybe I have the abridged version.

Nope, looked it up; not in there.

Well then, maybe it is a human right, not one reserved to American's, but to all people on the planet. Does everybody have a basic 'right' to healthcare? If so, then shouldn't our first act be to reduce the level of care available in the US to the world average, then use our surplus to bring the world average up? Of course, we would have to accept a tremendous rise in infant mortality, as well as a drastic fall in average longevity, but if health care is a right for everybody, we are unfairly monopolizing that resource for ourselves.

You don't like that idea?

Health care is not a right. It is a benefit of living in a wealthy, technologically advanced society. Now we can debate what level of priority we want to give this benefit, how many other benefits we are willing to sacrifice to maintain it, but calling it a right distorts the discussion before it begins.

If you really want to reform healthcare, get insurance out of it all together. Try a little experiment. Track health care costs over time, and see when they began rising faster than the general inflation rate. What you'll find is that the acceleration began when health insurance became more common. You'll see a similar result in auto insurance. When it becomes mandatory, it gets more expensive. The insurance companies claim it is because they have to accept high risk drivers, so everybody's premiums go up. This will also be true of a universal health insurance plan. right now, insurance companies screen their pool to minimize their exposure. Adding in the high risk clients will increase, not decrease the premiums. The present pool may be smaller, but it is a better risk than a larger pool.

The other problem with insurance is that it provides a tremendous pool of money to draw from. Hospitals can get away with charging $20 for an aspirin, because we don't feel the pain of paying the bill. Doctors can charge $75 for a 6 minute office visit because we only pay the co-pay or deductible; the rest comes from our employer. Health insurance is a licence for doctors/HMO's to steal. And they do.

Here's some more research for you. Track the averag salary of doctors against the per capita income over the last 70 years. You;ll see that doctors as a group earned just at or below the national average, then their earnings took off as medical insurance became more popular.

Finally, the large pool of available cash drew lawyers like sharks to blood. Malpractice suits skyrocketed as doctor's wealth increased.

So here comes the insurance company, happy to jump in and provide malpractice insurance, creating another large pool of money, drawing more parasites.

You want to fix health care? Get rid of health insurance.

Important Announcement

My sons are coming home from college this week. Why am I telling you this? Because blogging time at home is sure to be limited at best as they ballte over who gets to play Everquest.

I'll do what I can. but I make no promises...

How Appropriate!

From the News-Sentinel:

ETSU wants to name fossil site center for Sundquist

It's the perfect way to honor a lizard like Sundquist.

A Christmas recipe

from Snopes, just in case you thought they just debunked urban myths:

The Ultimate Fruitcake

All this talk of dry fruitcake made me pine for the days of yore when I would help grandma make Christmas cake. Here's the recipe (as best as I can remember it, it's a little fuzzy):

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey. NOTE: Whiskey may be replaced with your favorite swill^H^H^H^Hbeverage. Being of Scottish ancestry, me and grandma naturally used Scotch.

Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

I think I'll go get me a piece.

Christmas memories—Christmas eve

Another Christmas tradition is assembling the toys on Christmas Eve. Now, when I was a kid, my first suspicion that there might not be a Santa came when I got a brand new bicycle. I was all excited when I woke up and saw it sitting under the tree, a shiny orange 10-speed with only one speed. I don’t know how my dad found it, and I’ve never seen another one like it. It had the standard 10 speed frame, but no derailleur or gear shifts, or gears. It only had one gear, and by riding around on my friends bikes, I guessed it was about equivalent to 5th gear, which made uphill rough, but downhills just flew by. We opened the rest of our presents, and as soon as we got dressed, I went outside to ride my new bike. I rolled it out of the driveway, hopped on and rode out into the street. Everything went fine until I tried to turn. My foot slipped off of the pedal, and I fell forward.

Here’s something that has always puzzled me about bikes. A boy’s bike has a metal tube running from the front post to just underneath the seat. This bar reinforces the frame, adding rigidity to the bike. On a girls bike, this bar runs much lower, so they could get on and off while wearing a skirt without being immodest. The bike was slightly less rigid, but much more decorous. However, there was an important safety consideration the bicycle designer did not take into consideration when he designed the frame, and every man reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about. If your foot slips off of the pedals, you fall forward, leaving the comfort of your seat and proceeding through about a two inch drop, until the high bar arrests your fall by crushing your testicles. (I’d say nuts, but this is a family blog.) Incidentally, this is a good proof of the stupidity of men, since we continued to ride these bikes, refusing to ride a girl’s bike because that would make us look like sissies.

So, after I recovered, I got back on the bike, and began to ride again, a bit more cautiously this time. Sure enough, the next time I tried to turn, my foot slipped off of the pedal again.

Now, my mother didn’t raise a complete fool, so when I got back on the bike again ( OK, so she raised a partial fool) I paid close attention to my feet. I was going slow enough this time to realize that when I turned, the front tire was hitting my foot, knocking it off of the pedal. I rolled the bike back to the house, put down the kickstand, and gave her a good look.

That’s when I noticed that the front fork was on backwards. A ha! We have found the problem. I called my dad out (he was very happy to leave that warm house and come out into the frigid December morning) and showed him how Santa had messed up on my bike. Dad said he’d show me how to fix it, and walked over to the bike. I expected him to go to the garage for his tools, but instead, he clamped the wheel between his legs, and with a grunt of effort, twisted the handle bars all the way around, until the fork was facing forward. I thought that was just too cool. Tools were for weaklings! When my daughter asked me to fix her handlebars, I knew exactly what to do. I clamped the front wheel between my legs, grabbed the handlebars, and with a mighty tug, snapped the little retaining bolt that holds the handlebars on right off.

After I got her to stop crying, we went to WalMart for a new bike, which I assembled using the proper tools.

Anyway, finding my bike assembled wrong that morning was my first idea that all was not right with Santa, and something a little more sinister occurred on Christmas Eve. Of course, I eventually found out the truth, and began to look forward to surprising my kids with presents on Christmas morning.

Shows how much I knew.

I have another little Christmas tradition, one that I would rather avoid, but it seems destined to continue until I’m in my grave. On Christmas Eve, I invariably have some form of stomach flue. I suspect it is the same virus, as it always hits at the same time every year, around 7:30 PM, EST, and lasts until just after the last toy is assembled, usually around 3AM. It starts with a mildly upset stomach, and progresses through several full blown Vesuvian eruptions scattered randomly throughout the evening. I am happy to report that being a generous sort, I have shared this virus with my wife on several occasions. It’s just not Christmas unless you’re running for the bathroom every 15 minutes or so.

One Christmas, we were both too miserable to go upstairs to bed after getting everything ready, so we crashed downstairs, and waited for the kids to come down. It was actually kind of romantic. Most of the nausea had passed, and I had just enough strength to reach over from the couch to the papa san chair and hold her hand. Our oldest son, who was about 7 at the time, came creeping downstairs at about 5:30. He didn’t see us down there, and looked at everybody’s presents before going upstairs to wake up his brothers and sisters. They sat upstairs whispering until 6:30, when they were allowed to wake us up. We let them look for us upstairs for a few minutes then called them down, and the festivities began.

Having lived through several Christmas Eves I am amazed that my father did so well. At 3AM, tab A does not fit into slot B no matter how big of a hammer you use. And if I never see another sticker again, I’ll die happy. I think that if you spend $100 on GI Joe Superfortress with Twin Helicopters and Functioning Cannon (action figures sold separately), then by golly the dad gum stickers should already be put on the blasted thing. I’ve spent 45 minutes putting the toy together (which is kind of cool) and another hour and a half trying to get the stickers on just like it shows on the box (which is really uncool.) Bikes are nothing…try putting together a Little Tykes Play Kitchen with food, utensils, and silverware. Did you know that the seams in molded plastic can be sharp enough to slice right through several layers of skin? I do now!

Now the cool thing about assembling all the toys is you get to play with them first; it's in the Parents Rulebook. I looked it up. One Christmas, we got the kids Super Soaker Squirt guns. Let's just say that my wife and I thoroughly tested them out, and waterd the tree at the same time. On the other hand, when you play with your kids toys, you run the risk of breaking them, which can lead to severe emotional damage, and requires immediate replacement of the toy with a close substitute. A word of advice: At 11PM on Christmas Eve, the only store open is Mabel's All Night Truckstop and Pawn Shop. My daughter once got a fully detailed remote controlled model of an 18 wheeler with horn and reverse ($79.95 batteries not included.) She loved it much better than the etch a sketch($19.99) we broke.

The worst Christmas Eve disaster happened about 6 years ago. My youngest son wanted a hobby horse, and I looked all over the place to find the best one. I finally found one at Toys R Us that was perfect. It had real extruded nylon hair for the main, and a little speaker that made galloping sounds when the kid rode it. I got it, plus a little cowboy play set with guns, spurs chaps and stuff. I was really excited to see how he would like it. So here comes Christmas Eve, and I get all the boxes from their hiding places, and start putting stuff together. I save the horse for last, because it’s pretty easy to assemble, a few bolts, four springs and no bleedin’ stickers.

About 1:30AM, I get to the horse. I open the box, and dump out the contents. Onto the carpet falls one hobby horse. Period. No springs, no nuts, no bolts, no stand, no instructions, no FAIR! I was so mad, that I forgot to be sick. Here it was, 1:30 on Christmas morning, and the centerpiece of my youngest son’s Christmas was ruined. I was a failure as a father and a worthless human being. So I did the only thing I could; I propped the horse up in front of the tree and wrote a note to him from Santa. I explained that I went through some rough weather on the way down, and some parts must have fallen from the sleigh, but that I would come back in a day or two and fix it.

The cool thing was that my son couldn’t have cared less. He saw the horse, gave a loud yell, jumped on, grabbed the mane with one hand and the tail with the other and started galloping around the house. Yeah, the foot pegs knocked a few holes in the drywall, but I wasn’t going to complain. He was happy, and that was all that mattered. A few days later, I exchanged horses, and all was well, except that he sometimes took the horse off the stand so he could ride it around the house.

Now the kids are older, and Santa gets to sleep in on Christmas Eve. Now that I’m not assembling toys, my virus has subsided into a few rumblings and grumblings through the night, although that might have more to do with the eggnog than anything else. The kids still wake up early, especially the young ones, but the oldest doesn’t sneak down to spy anymore, since everything is wrapped, and they let dad sleep until 7:00:01. I hope that they remember their Christmas’s as fondly as I do, and find the same joys I did, playing Santa for their kids at 3AM on Christmas Eve.

Political Shift Approaching...

I mentioned this briefly in a comment at SKBubba's place, but I'm seriously considering leaving the Republican Party, and joining the Libertarians.

Actually, to be more accurate, I feel like the Republican Party is leaving me. I believe in a small government, limited in scope and power. Unfortunately, neither of the major parties agree with me on this. Their answer to every problem seems to be bigger, more intrusive government.

• People are poor--expand welfare
  
• People are sick--socialize healthcare
  
• There are people who don't like us out there--expand internal security
  
• People are reading things that we find offensive--expand censorship
  
• Kids are hanging out--raid parties and parking lots
  
• Pop music sucks--regulate indie music out of existence
  
• Your religious views offend me--prohibit public exhibitions of faith
  
• He doesn't like me because I'm (gay, black, hispanic, female, transgendered)--pass hate crime legislation
  
• Drugs are harmful--put a tenth of our population behind bars
  
• People get hurt--regulate all risky pursuits.
  
• I don't feel so good---take a pill and sue somebody.

At some point, you have to say enough is enough!

The only difference I see between the left and the right is which of my freedoms they want to steal first. I thought reps were the party that respected the limits of the constitution; instead, they appear to have adopted the tactics of the left, and are ready to 'interpret ' it to suit themselves. I didn't like it when Clinton did it; I don't like it when Bush does it.

Now I have to figure out how to be a libertarian, without letting the extreme left takeover. I've heard all the arguments about how voting for a third party candidate allows the opposition to win, and there is some validity to that. Libertarians generally pull more from republicans than from democrats, and I think this is because many find themselves in a position similar to mine; they feel abandoned when the actions of their party contradict it's core principles. Government has expanded under every administration, regardless of which party controls which branch. So how do I say "Enough!" and have it heard?

Maybe the only solution is to cost the rpublicans an election or two. If they need my vote, amybe they'll listen to my concerns. If not, then more people who think like I do will leave, and the Libertarian Party may become something more than a spoiler, despite how the system is rigged against them.

On the other hand, which is worse, creeping socialism, or a full on charge towards it?

I wish I said that...

Say Uncle nails this one.

Psychology (from the Greek Psych meaning ‘to make’ and –ology meaning ‘stuff up’)

He's talking about personal responsibility, and how our culture avoids it.
Read the whole thing.

Atkins works.

I just read an article from Michael Fumento over on Reason Online, saying that the Atkins diet doesn't work.

First a personal disclosure: I've lost almost 80 pounds following the Atkins diet. My total cholesterol has dropped 30 points, my HDL has gone up 10 points, my triglycerides have dropped significantly. My total cholesterol/HDL ratio is under 5 for the first time in years. My blood pressure has dropped from 135/95 to 115/72. In short, by every medical measure, I am significantly healthier than before I went on the Atkins diet.

Yep, the diet was a complete failure.....

Ok, anecdotal evidence doesn't mean anything; we need controlled studies. Well, all the hoopla surrounding the Atkins diet comes from a new study which indicates that the Atkins diet does work, and may work better than the standard low fat diet advocated by the AHA. So how does Mr. Fumento attack the diet? Well, let's see.

First, he'll use a little misinformation.

The Atkins Diet—the famous high-fat, low-carb regime that lets dieters load up on pork rinds and Scrapple as long as they avoid potatoes and Wheaties—works. The American Heart Association has been wrong all along, as has essentially the entirely American medical establishment. Not only is gorging on fat the key to becoming thin, it's heart-healthy to boot. So say the headlines:

Nowhere in the book does it tell you to gorge yourself on fat. In fact, Dr. Atkins repeatedly says that you eat only to satiation. He doesn't recommend binging on high fat foods, but replacing the calories you normally get through excessive carbs with fat and protein. Even a casual reading of the book makes this perfectly clear, so why would Mr. fumento repeat this canard? Either he hasn't read the book, or he is misrepresenting the facts for his own purpose.

Next he relates the results of the study, in which 120 dieters followed either the Atkins or the AHA plans. The Atkins group lost twice as much weight as the AHA dieters. Mr. Fumento dismisses this as unremarkable

Gary Foster of the University of Pennsylvania co-authored a study conducted in virtually the same manner as Westman's. Foster, whose work will soon appear in a major medical journal, provides a simple explanation for the Atkins weight loss. The regimen "gives people a framework to eat fewer calories, since most of the choices in this culture are carbohydrate driven," he says. "Over time people eat fewer calories."

Damn him! Tricking us into eating fewer calories while enjoying it more.

Next, Mr Fumento examines the retention rate. After all the true measure of success with a diet is whether you stick to it or not, right?

In any event, the main issue with any diet—be it Atkins, popcorn, or jelly bean—isn't whether people can lose weight in the short-term but rather whether they can stick to the regimen and keep the pounds off not for just half a year but essentially forever. Yet completely lost in the media mania was that among the 60 Atkins dieters in the Westman group analyzed for blood lipids, the dropout rate was 43 percent.

Thus almost half the Atkins cohort couldn't stay with the steak and bacon routine for even six months. By comparison, only 25 percent of the high-carb eaters dropped out.

Interestingly, while he doesn't give a source for this info, one of the citations he makes earlier in the article contradicts this claim:

After six months, the people on the Atkins diet had lost 31 pounds, compared with 20 pounds on the AHA diet, and more people stuck with the Atkins regimen.

So which is true? Once the study is available online, we'll know. Until then, consider this:
According to existing medical research, most dieters (90% or better) regain all the weight they lost and some, as much as one third, gain back more.
Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the AHA approach.
Again, reading the book presents a different picture of the long term success rate of the Atkins Plan. How can you judge the effectiveness of a diet by including what happens when people go off of it?

Next, Mr Fumento casts doubt on the validity of the study because it was funded by Atkins. What he doesn't mention, but is included in one of his references, is that Westman approached Atkins, not the other way around, and that his intent was to challenge the diet.

Westman, an internist at Duke’s diet and fitness center, said he decided to study the Atkins approach because of concern over so many patients and friends taking it up on their own. He approached the Robert C. Atkins foundation in New York City to finance the research.

Let's take a closer look at a study mentioned by Mr. Fumento, conducted by Randy Seeley. fumento mentions it as supporting his contntion that Atkins doesn't work. However, reading the summery of the report, as yet unpublished, gives a different picture. The summary is available online at the Atkins Center.
Excerpting:

Thirty-four mildly obese women (BMI of 30-34 kg/m2) were recruited for a six-month clinical study to investigate the effects of a low carbohydrate, ketogenic diet on body weight and cardiovascular risk factors. The study included a three-month weight loss intervention followed by a three-month follow-up period during which no intervention occurred...Twenty-six subjects (76%) completed the trial, with an equal number of dropouts from each diet group. Mean weight loss was significantly greater in the ketogenic diet group than in the control diet group at three months (8.0+1.0 vs. 4.4+1.1 kg; p<0.02) and at six months (7.9+1.4 vs. 3.2+1.3 kg; p<0.02)...Blood pressure, total cholesterol, and LDL-cholesterol decreased, and HDL-cholesterol increased, in both groups. Plasma insulin levels decreased in both groups suggesting an improvement in insulin sensitivity. Triglyceride levels decreased significantly more in the ketogenic diet group than in the control diet group (65.3+17.2 vs. 15.2+8.2 mg/dl; p<0.02) at three months. These results indicate that for short periods of time, a low carbohydrate, ketogenic diet is efficacious in causing weight loss and has no deleterious effects on cardiovascular risk factors.

Sounds to me like he is saying that Atkins plan works better, and is healthy.

In fact, if you go to the Atkins website, you'll find several comparative diet studies performed over the last dew decades which come to the same conclusion.

Next, Mr Fumento tries to argue away the success of Atkins at improving blood chemistry

"Often just losing weight alone will cause improvement in triglyceride and cholesterol levels," the president of the American Heart Association Dr. Robert Bonow told me. Since the Atkins dieters did lose more weight than those on the high-carb diet, it only stands to reason that by comparison their blood levels would also improve more.

Now explain to me again how this means Atkins doesn't work? Mr Fumento quotes a study (Seeley) which concludes that people on Atkins lose more weight and have better blood chemistry than those on the AHA recommended diet and uses that to say Atkins doesn't work.

Please.

Next he closes with this little bon mot:

The media tried to fill the need, but ultimately failed the public. "It just makes people confused and frustrated," an exasperated Seeley said. Yes, and fatter by the day.

This despite the fact that fat consumption per capita is at an all time low.

Shouldn't that tell us something?

Mr. Fumento also ignores the graduated levels of the Atkins diet. While the initial phases do severely restrict carb intake, the later phases are much more liberal, and allow you to determine your body's own level of carb intake to regulate weight. In this later stage, fat calories are replaced by protein, and some carbs, resulting in a more balanced diet.

What really surprises me is that Mr. Fumento failed to zero in on the real weaknesses of the Atkins plan. First, it is very difficult to maintain proper nutrition, particularly during the early stages of the diet. Once you are on maintenance, you are eating enough vegetables to meet your nutritional needs, but until then, vitamin supplements are a necessity. Second is the issue of colon health. The Atkins diet allows very little roughage, particularly in the beginning stages, which can cause some dieters problems. A fiber supplement is a good idea, particularly during induction.

I'm disappointed in the article, which seems to substitute bias for science. I expect more from Reason.

For Bill Hobbs

like he needs the help!

From the Cato Institute, comes this report grading the nation's governors on fiscal responsibility.

Guess who failed?

Four governors receive the lowest grade of F: Gray Davis of California, Don Sundquist of Tennessee, Bob Taft of Ohio, and John Kitzhaber of Oregon.

A Christmas Concert

I had the rare privilege (movable type needs a spell checker, dang it!) of attending a free concert featuring several young area artists performing Christmas tunes. OK, it was my kids performing in their school band. My youngest, Luke plays flute in the 5th grade band.

Here he is. He's the one playing in perfect rhythm and on key. The rest of the kids tried, but they were all over the place.

Hey, he's my kid; I'm supposed to be biased!

This is CJ my daughter playing sax in the back with the 7th and 8th grade band. She plays better than Boots randolph. Of course, he is dead, which helps.

As a music critic, I would have to say the concert was uneven at best. As a parent, angels singing Hosanna could not have sounded sweeter. But like I said, I'm biased.

Christmas Memories—Trimming the tree

Like every other family, we have some Christmas traditions at my house. We hang stockings by the fireplace; we leave some cookies and milk for Santa; we open one present on Christmas Eve. We watch the Grinch every year, sometimes twice.(The real one, narrated by Boris Karloff, not the movie.) We watch Charlie Brown, and Rudolph, and sometimes I can even sit through Frosty. My all time favorite is still Santa Claus is Coming to Town, with the Burgermeister Meisterburger, the Winter Warlock, and all the rest.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ ‘cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ out the door!

They just don’t write ‘em like that anymore…

We play Christmas Music all morning long, from traditional to Mannheim Steamroller, and everything in between. My personal favorites are O Holy Night, and Springsteen singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. There’s eggnog in the fridge, and every 5 years or so we buy a new fruitcake to replace the old one that only had one piece missing. We cook up a special meal every Christmas, something non traditional, since we just had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. One year we did seafood, another steaks, and this year I’m thinking about a Turduken. I'll probably cheat and buy mine. There are always seven layer cookies, cheesecakes, carrot cakes, and pecan pies all over the place, and plenty of hot chocolate and mulled cider to go with them. My mom roasts pounds of pecans, and we munch on those while watching football games or Christmas specials. The dogs get Christmas too, because they get all the leftovers.

We hang mistletoe over the front door, (not that it’s done me any good the last couple of years, but hey, it’s tradition, right?) and a wreath outside, although we don’t do yard lights because the dogs will eat them. We put up the tree shortly after Thanksgiving and take it down promptly before the 4th of July. By then it makes great kindling for the pig pit! I do the lights, then the kids do the ornaments and tinsel. When the kids were smaller they couldn’t reach the top of the tree, so our Christmas tree was loaded down about 4 feet off the floor, then bare the rest of the way up. After they went to bed, Betty and I would even things out a bit.

One of the most amazing things about a Christmas tree is that no matter how carefully I inspect it at the lot, no matter how closely I look, when I get it home, there will be a great big bare spot located in the worst location. I’ll take the tree off the top of the car, spread out the branches, put it onto the stand, bring it into the house, set it up, and there will be this gaping void where branches used to be. They were there in the lot, I’m sure of it. I walked around the blasted thing 18 times, scrutinizing it from every angle before picking it out. But there it is, a Grand Canyon sized bare spot. The thing that drives me craziest is I can never find any broken branches. Where did this hole come from?

So I cheat, by facing the bare spot towards the wall. Then I notice that when the tree is turned in that direction, it looks lopsided, so I decide to move the tree into the corner, so you can cover up two bad sides. But no, my children say that the tree has to be in front of the window so we can stand out in the cold and admire the lights. So I haul it back in front of the window, and decide to camouflage the hole.

Now there are a couple of different approaches to this camouflage. Some use ornaments; others try to cover it in tinsel. I like the architectural approach myself, and re-engineer the tree so it meets my specs. I start with the very foundation of tree decorations, the lights. What I do is use the light strands to haul branches around to where I need them. Now you can’t do this with cheap light strands; they don’t have the tensile strength to handle the load and will part under the strain, adding a little extra excitement to your Christmas festivities. Back in the old days, this was easier, as the lights were actual bulbs on thick strands of wire. Yes, you had a slight risk of a fire erupting in your tree, or third degree burns if you accidentally touched one, (reds were the hottest, for future reference) but the soft warm glow of the lights sure was pretty! That is, as long as they were on. These older strands were wired in series, which means that if one bulb went out, the whole strand went dark. I can remember spending hours swapping bulbs, searching for the bad one, only to find that my test bulb was bad. Now of course, we have these weenie little peanut bulbs that barely give off any light at all. Sure, they flash and twinkle, but so would the old ones if you stuck a bobby pin in the outlet!

Anyway, I start at the top of the tree and wrap the lights in a spiral. Using the wire strand to reposition the branches, I slowly cover the bare spot. If you try this at home, use smaller branches, as they are easier to position, but don’t use the really small ones, because they can slip free, causing a whiplash effect that can be dangerous, especially if you’ve already hung your ornaments. Picture a medieval mangonel hurling shards of razor sharp glass, and you’ll get the picture. Experience will show you just how much tension you can place on the branch before you reach the breaking point of either the branch, or the wire strand. Also, remember that the load is cumulative, and each branch you move adds its own stress to the tree. When you get toward the bottom of the tree, the branches are much sturdier, and resist being pulled into their new configuration. A slight brush with a small chain saw near the trunk will ease this problem, although it will make that branch turn brown faster than the rest. A can of green spray paint works wonders to correct this slight deficiency.

Now, as you gain experience, you can make your tree do things that would cost hundreds of dollars using conventional methods. For example, a popular feature these days is a moving tree stand, which allows your tree to gracefully pirouette, usually accompanied by the holiday music of your choice. I achieve a slightly different effect by taking several branches right up to the maximum strain, then holding them there with strands of light. The resulting strain causes a vibration in the tree, which is really quite striking in the right light.

Once you have the lights placed properly, it’s time to hang the ornaments. This is a fairly safe procedure, as long as you remember the warning above, and stay out of the trajectory of any potential missiles. Just don’t cheat by hanging any ornaments on the light strands themselves. If you’ve done your job properly, they are already at maximum load. After the ornaments, comes the tinsel, which should be placed sparingly, one or two strands per branch. Or you can do like I do, and drape that sucker till she droops; it’s your call.

The final part of decorating the tree is usually putting the star on top. Now in my parent’s house, the star was a piece of a cardboard box cut into a five-pointed star and covered with tin foil. We thought that was just the coolest thing ever when we were kids, so if the star began to tatter, my mother would make a new one. We never had any other star on our tree that I can remember. When I had my first tree, I decided to strike out on my own. No tin foil star for this man! Nope, I wasn’t even going to have a star at all. I wanted an Angel. So I got one. 15 inches tall, beautifully dressed and painted, she was a thing of beauty. Someday when I live in a house with 10 foot ceilings, I’ll be able to buy a tree big enough so I can use it. For now, she sits on the mantle, along with the Nativity set, and on top of the tree this year will be a cardboard star, covered in aluminum foil.

Now notice I said this is usually the last step. In my house we have one other tradition. After decorating the tree, trimming it to perfection, we all go to sleep, and sometime in the night, no matter what kind of stand I use, no matter how many guy wires I attach, no matter how extensive the bracing is, by morning the tree will be laying on it’s side in a minefield of broken glass, and live electrical wires.

I don’t know why this happens. It must be one of those eternal mysteries like Transubstantiation and the Easter Bunny. All I know is that I am destined to put up a Christmas tree at least twice during the Christmas season.

What in the heck was he thinking?

I just found out about the whole Trent Lott thing. How could he say something like that? OK, he was trying to praise Strom Thurmond, and using a fairly stock approach, but that's not a good excuse in this instance, considering exactly what he said.

, "I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either."

"These problems?" What problems was he talking about? At the time, Thurmond was an outspoken segregationist; is the civil rights struggle what Lott meant? If not, why hasn't he retracted or explained what he meant? We can't say for sure because he won't say, and with Lott's past links to white supremicist organizations, the burden is on him to explain, apologize, or both.

Even if he does, I can't see him as Senate Majority Leader. The republican party cannot afford such an easy target standing in front. Do we really want the face of Trent Lott to represent the face of the republican Party? I don't.

He needs to step aside, or be put aside if he won't go willingly.

UPDATE:

Lott has apologized.

"A poor choice of words conveyed to some the impression that I embrace the digarded policies of the past," Lott, R-Miss., said in a statement. "Nothing could be further from the truth, and I apologize to anyone who was offended by my statement."

Sorry sir, but that isn't good enough. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but to me, what you say off the cuff reveals more than a scripted apology. I don't believe he should be kicked out of the Senate, but I also don't think he is a good choice for Majority leader.

Blogfest

Who would a thunk it? I've been corresponding with a bunch of wanted people. At leat, you'd think that was the case by the number who didn't want their picture taken!

The Holiday Blogger's Bash was a great success, and I want to thank everybody for taking time out of their busy holiday schedules to come and get together. It's always fun to meet the people you read, and there are always some surprises.

Above we some some of the illustrious members of our blogging community, sharing an adult beverage or two, and generally having a good time. The sunny faced couple on the right (gotcha!) is Mr SKBubba and his lovely wife. As a liberal in a right leaning county, Bubba is classified as an endangered species, and so we are protecting his identity, in hopes that left undisturbed, he can continue to wreak havok with complacent boors on K2K and metroblab.

The anonymous guy next to them is none other than talented sayuncle. He was willing to have his face appear, but the witness protection program forbade it, so we complied with their wishes and blanked him out.

The gentleman next to sayuncle is Mr. bob in the hills, a frequent commentor on several of our blogs, who made the trip down from Crossville to meet us and share stories from inside an F4 tornado. Thanks for coming, sir; it was nice meeting you. Next time, bring your guitar or fiddle and we'll make some music...

On the left side of the table sits the charming Mrs. Pundit, the better half of Instapundit. Next to her are the brother bloggers of Damn Diary, and Jaded Journal, Jason and Troy Kinniard.

Now, starting on the other end of the table, we see the talented team of Bjorn Knoxley and Brehd Patchley, of Knoxpatch.com. I have to point out that this photo of them is unaltered. Apparently they were still suffering the ill effects of a night of arduous fundraising. I wish them a speedy recovery. And sitting on the right side of the table, nattily attired in sweater and turtleneck, showing us his best side is none other than the Instapundit himself.

We missed seeing Justin, who had family obligations, but hope he'll be able to make the next one. Instapundit had to leave early to stave of blogging withdrawel, and Bjorn and Brehd left to continue their recovery in a quieter location. Bob-in the-hills left to gwet back to his home in Crossville, and SayUncle also left early to attend to his other job, but the rest of us stayed, and enjoyed some good food and lively conversation. We broke up around 8:30, promising to do it again soon. As social director for the Rocky Top Brigade, I promise not to wait so long before organizing the next one.

He did it again!

I don't know why I keep reading Lileks. It's so discouraging! He tosses off a bleat at the end of his day, no effort, no work, that just sings.

I don't know anybody else who could string together an upset stomach, The Odd Couple, a 50s writer I'd never heard of, but will now have to read, and Lady and The Tramp all in one post, and have it all come together at the end.

Someday I'll be able to write like that.

Ok, maybe not, but as long as I keep ahead of the million monkeys, I'll be satisfied.

The Quote

I remember reading this quote a week or two ago, and it was attributed to Mother Theresa. I haven't been able to verify it though, so if any of you can, please let me know so I can be sure I attributed it properly.

From my Email

A few thoughts to make your Monday go a little better:

• A day without sunshine is, like, night.
  
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  
• A clear conscience is usually an early warning sign of Alzheimer's.
  
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

The New Christmas Carols

Christmas with the Washington Regulators

Bob:

Here is the ad copy for our latest release. What do you think?

Ladies and gentleman, the US government Recording Studios is proud to present Christmas with the Washington Regulators! No longer do you have to worry about offending your friends and guests by playing those old, offensive, religiously exclusive holiday classics! We have recorded all new and revised versions of all of your favorite songs, guaranteed to bring back fond memories year after year. Just listen to the new version of “The Christmas Song:

Chestnuts roasting on an environmentally safe non wood or fossil fuel burning oxidation apparatus, Mythological personification of winter looking fondly at your nose……

Yes, you get 25 of the greatest seasonal songs of all time, including “Rudolph the chromatically challenged Reindeer” who now drives the sleigh, delivering copies of “It Takes a Village” and “Earth in the Balance” to all good little boys and girls, replacing that fashion criminal and exploiter of animals and vertically challenged craftsmen, Santa Claus.

You get the improved version of the beloved "Frosty the Snow Person!":

Frosty the Snow Person Was a jolly happy golem With a water bubble pipe And a button nose, And two eyes made out of black rocks!

And who can forget this classic of the season?:

We wish you a merry solstice We wish you a merry solstice We wish you a merry solstice And a happy sabbat!

How can you go wrong with these lovely non-discriminating seasonal favorites? Especially since we confiscated all the old versions, and enacted decency laws to prevent their public performance. We put the ‘silent’ in “Silent Night.”

You get all of these updated classics plus 21 other songs for the low low price of $19.95 plus tax*.

Order now! Or we’ll order it for you.

*

• 3.95 if your income is < $25,000 per year with 0 dependents or $30,000 with 4 dependents.
  
• $14.95 if your income is >$30,000 with no dependents or $35,000 with 5 dependents
  
• For everyone else, compute the following: Gross annual income/tax rate found on pg 3,675 of the new simplified tax code, + the greater of line 37a section 12 or line 256 subsection D part xvii of your last year’s income tax return. Adjust this total for the number of dependents per Table 37 on page 243 of Appendix 12 of the 1040EZ form.
  Failure to pay proper sales tax will incur severe penalties.

Reply:

It looks pretty good, Jim, but I have a few corrections:

• Delete the value judgment about “good” boys and girls. It could damage their self esteem. Let ‘em all get the books. We’ll just force the bad ones to actually read them.
  
• Delete reference to SC. Derives from Christian mythology. Substitute with Kris Kringle.
  
• Delete reference to the new laws. There’s still some idiots out there who object to them, and we don’t want to stir them up again.
  
• How many times do I have to tell you? Put the tax calculations in the smallest print you can! We need the revenue.

Other than that, run with it.

Ruining the magic

Ed

Guilty confession time: I like to watch Ed. I like the quirky humor, which sets it apart from most TV romantic comedy. I have little quibbles with details from time to time, but mostly I just enjoy an hour of watching the underdog get ahead.

That is, until the last episode.

If you haven’t seen the show, Ed, the title character, comes back to his hometown after his wife leaves him. He’s trying to find his bearings, and get his life back together, so he buys the local bowling alley and opens up a law office. He begins to pursue his high school dream girl, Carol, who barely knew he existed back then, but begins to relate to him now. A touch preposterous at times, Ed is a likable little comedy, well crafted and until recently, well conceived.

For some reason, for sweeps, the writers decided to inject a little reality into the show. Carol gets engaged to a guy who is completely wrong for her, they get to the altar, he realizes that she loves Ed, and walks out. Then in a dramatic episode featuring Carol and Ed locked into the bowling alley, where we all expect them to get together and live happily ever after, they break up.

Call me shallow, but I don’t like it when you mix genres on me. This is a dad-gum romantic comedy for cryin’ out loud, not some soap opera tragedy. I know the producers are just trying to stretch out the story for a season ending cliffhanger, but they really screwed up the dynamics of the show with this one. Yes, you need a little bitter to appreciate the sweet, but this is the equivalent of dousing a chocolate cake with Tabasco sauce.

It just ain’t right.

Here’s the problem, and it goes back to something I said about Solaris. If you want to achieve a surprise, you have to do it within the framework you’ve already established, or else you lose the illusion; your audience will see it as a trick. We all know that in real life, getting jilted at the altar does not end up with you finally falling for the right one, who was there all along. We know that; we see it in our own lives. But in Stuckeyville, hey, if you can have a law office in a bowling alley, peopled by oddball characters with at best a nodding acquaintance with the real world, anything can happen. But now, reality has been injected into the cozy little world of Stuckeyville, and it’ll take a while for the stench to wear off.

Solaris

Sometimes, when I go to see a movie, I leave dying to read the book. Usually, it's a good thing; I want to know more about the characters, what they were thinking, what their motivations were. A book has room to take you inside a character's head; in a movie, you have to rely on the actor's ability to convey his innermost thoughts and emotions, sometimes with little more than an eyebrow twitch, or a dramatic pause. Other times, I want to read the book to get the original take on the story. Directors have a tendency to change things to suit themselves, sometimes altering the entire thrust of the story, to make the movie say what they want it to say, which sometimes bears no relation to the author's intent. (Lawnmower Man anyone?)

The third reason I want to read the book is not so good; I want to find out what the heck happened! Sadly, this is the case with Solaris. The plot is pretty simple. Psychologist George Clooney goes to a space station around the planet Solaris in response to a plea from his old friend, who now runs the station. Upon arrival, he finds most of the crew dead, including his friend, and the survivors acting very strangely. Oh yeah, and when he falls asleep, his dead wife is re-incarnated on board the station. How he deals with this makes up the bulk of the movie, except that he never really deals with anything.

The most frustrating part of this movie is that it raises all kinds of interesting ideas about identity, perception, the nature of reality, love, redemption, and life and death, but it never really examines those ideas, only hinting at them, not only leaving them unresolved, but unexplored.

The movie suffers from other flaws as well. The acting is competent, but limited by the script and direction. We never even come close to caring about any of the characters. The plot is inconsistent. When doing fantasy, it is vital to achieve suspended disbelief from your audience. In order to sustain the audience's suspension of disbelief, the main conceit, i.e. re-incarnated loved ones appearing on the space station, must be presented with consistency. When you break the rules to introduce a plot twist, you lose your audiences' trust and any chance of communicating your vision. Solaris does just that, and suffers for it. I could have overlooked it if the twist had brought a new revelation, or a new direction to the movie, but it did nothing of the sort, just propelled the characters along paths they had already chosen.

Another problem was the pacing; this movie is slow. Time that could have been spent exploring some of the ideas raised by the plot is instead wasted on lingering shots of the planet, or the station, or of Clooney asleep. A movie doesn't have to have action to be entertaining, but it must provide something to grab the audience and bring them into its world. A movie without significant action must be character driven. You have to get to know and care for them. In this case, all I cared about was not spilling my coke, because it was filled too full. This is the first movie I've ever seen where the dead coming back to life is boring.

I do want to read the book, and see the original film, since the ideas raised are very intriguing and worth exploring. Unfortunately, this Solaris feels most like a Cliff's Notes version of the real thing.

Just a reminder...

The Holiday Blogger's Bash is today, at Barleys, starting around 6PM. Hope to see you all there!

Ice Hockey in Knoxville

I went to see the Ice Bears play last Saturday night against the Cape Fear fire Ants.

I've never been to a live hockey game, and never watched a game on TV, unles you count the movie Youngblood, and I only paid attention then when Cynthia Gibbs was on screen, but after Saturday's game, I'm hooked. I'm surprised that hockey isn't bigger down here than it is; it has everything a southern boy needs; violence, alcohol, speed, shooting, men with clubs, furry mascots, and fist fights. All we need is some cheerleaders and the game will be complete.

I bought my tickets at the Ice Bears web site, but from now on, I'll buy them at the gate. Thewebsite added $5 for shipping and handling, but I was picking up the tickets at the "will call" window. Then they added another $5 charge for picking them up at the "will call" window. There are plenty of seats available, so just go to the window and buy your tickets that way.

Their home games are played at the Civic Coliseum. I remember going to the Coliseum as a kid for the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, and thinking how huge the place was. Now I see how small and cramped it actually is. Forget the Convention Center, Universe Knoxville and all the other boondoggles; Knoxville needs a new Coliseum. The Civic Coliseum was fine when Knoxville had a population around 60,000, but is hopelessly inadequate now. But I will give the staff credit; the place is clean, and well maintained. The lady may be showing her age, but she hasn't fallen apart.

As we were walking over from the parking garage ($4.00) we followed a family dressed in their Sunday best. I figured that either they were over dressed, or I was terribly under dressed for a hockey game. Since it is impossible to under dress for a hockey game, I assume there was another event going on.

The game started promptly at 8:30, although the usual start is at 7:30. The game was fast paced, and I discovered that you can see the puck a lot better in real life than on TV. As for the rules, I'm still a little fuzzy on them. I think you hit the puck with your stick, or your opponet with your stick, until the referree skates over and stops you. He grabs the puck, and two players wait for him to drop it like your dog waits for you to throw him a treat. Occasionally, for mno visible reason, the ref will refuse to drop the puck until two new players line up. When the ref throws the puck down, the two players swing wildly at the puck and each other, trying to gain an advantage. This is called a face off, and it happens a lot.

The object of the game is to get the puck past the goalie, a poor unfortunate recruited to stand in front of a half pound chunk of frozen rubber heading directly at his person at about 600 miles per hour. If he fails to get out of the way of this missile, he can count on it being immediately assaulted by several people with sticks swinging wildly in an effort to get the puck into the goal. If he does manage to get out of the way, the other team scores a point, which seems very unfair to me. Why penalize the poor man for acting in self defense?

Speaking of penalties, if a player commits a foul, like hitting another player across the face with his stick, he is forced to sit in a penalty box for 2 minutes if his victim survives, and 5 minutes if he dies, after which the player returns to the game nicely rested, and looking for revenge. In the meantime, his team plays short a man, which gives the other team a scoring opportunity.

Anyway, instead of halves, or quarters, like regular sports, hockey has three periods (Those crazy Canucks!) of 20 minutes. Each period takes about 40 minutes to play, with two 18 minute intermissions, so the game takes about 2.5 hours. Don't worry about geting bored, because during the intermissions, you get to watch games, and the Zamboni. The Zamboni is the machine they drive around ice to scrape up the bad ice, bloodstains, and loose teeth left on the surface during the game. The Zamboni also lays down a new layer of ice which does two things; it creates a smooth surface for the players to skate on, and allows the puck to break the speed of sound.

So we have mayhem with weapons, a distinct shortage of rules, power tools, brawling, shooting, and scoring, and all for a reasonable price. What more could you ask for?

Vol's final regular report card

Well, it was the last game of the season, and the Vols finally showed up. 14 weeks of practice games finally paid off as the Vols completely dominated a good Kentucky team. I wasn't impressed with the shutout over Vandy because, well, it was Vandy. But Kentucky is a good team this year, as they showed in several games. The combination of Lorenzen and Pinner made Kentucky the SEC's leading offense. Add in Abney with his NCAA record-tying 6 kicks returned for touchdowns, and Kentucky seemed ready to end 18 years of futility.

But, the Vols had other plans. The offensive line finally got enough playing time as a unit to gel; Derrick Tinsley had a breakout performance running and catching; The defense got enough time off the field to utterly destroy Kentucky's offense; and most amazingly, Randy Sanders discovered a new technique called the "forward pass." Mark my words; this could revolutionize Tennessee football.

Report Card

Offensive line B

Clausen had plenty of time to throw; there were nice holes for the running backs. Easily their best performance all season

Running Backs B

Houston was ineffective, but Tinsley caught the Wildcats napping. Even Troy Fleming managed the throw a good block or two.

Receivers D

The sole disappointing performance for the Vol offense were the receivers, who dropped several balls. Maybe they were surprised by the tight spirals coming from Clausen. Jason Whitten had another fine game, including a crushing stop on the punt coverage team.

Quarterback A-

I don't particularly like Clausen (could you tell?) but Saturday, he played the game and lived up to his billing. His fakes were sharp; his passes were tight and on target, and he even managed to run for positive yards.

Defense A

No need to break this one down into sub groups. Pinner was limited to just 51 yards. Lorenzen was harried all day long, going 9 of 23 for 59 yards. Kentucky failed to score for the first time this season. There were only four shutouts in the SEC this year, and the Vol defense owns two of them. It was a long time coming, but once the offense started pulling their weight, the defense came through.

Coaching B+

Randy Sanders called an effective game, including trick plays, misdirection, and passing down field, as well as his favored power football. For the first time in a couple of months, the Vols looked prepared for the game. In another rare occurence, Tennessee was penalized less than their opponent.

Officiating C-

Tennessee finally was the beneficiary of questionable calls, instead of the victim. In a flashback to the Florida game 2 years ago, the ball came loose just as Jabari Davis was crossing the goal line. It was ruled a touchdown, just like the catch in the Florida game was. At least they were consistent.

Overall B+

A good all around effort by the team, the first of the season. And our reward? Atlanta and the Peach bowl against Maryland. Too early for a line, but I'm picking Tennessee.

Seeing your words in print

is a rush, especially when somebody else does the printing.

Now, if I can figure out how to get paid for doing this, I'll be set.