Shots Across The Bow

Fatherhood:It Never Ends

Michael Silence, Say Uncle, and Les Jones all have beautiful little baby girls, roughly the same age. And when I say roughly, that means they could be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years apart. I've been past the baby thing for quite some time, and while I did it 6 times, for some reason, possibly massive and prolonged sleep deprivation, they all tend to blur together now, so my estimate of their ages may be off a bit.

But they are all beautiful, that's for certain; just ask the proud poppas.

And now Uncle and Les each have another little one on the way. (Michael, you're falling behind!) Or more accurately, Melissa and Mrs. Uncle have another one on the way. All these babies make me think about raising my small herd and the days I spent changing diapers and wiping butts. To be fair, I did spend a lot of time away from home during those years since I was in the Navy, and even when we were in port, I had to stay on the ship at least one night in four. But when I was home, I did as much as I could. In fact, the first time my future ex left me (I'm a slow learner sometimes) I cared for my middle daughter, a newborn at the time, singlehandedly for several months, until her mother and I got back together. It was frightening and exhilerating at the same time, not to mention exhausting, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I got to be closer to my daughter than most dads ever get the chance to be, and it was a wonderful thing.

Little babies are awesome. Yeah, there was work involved, and mess, but watching a little person begin to discover the world for the first time brought back some of the wonder of discovery to my life as well. To a baby, everything is new, and good, and because we parents go to great lengths to shield them from the traumas and tragedies of life, for the most part discovery is glorious. I can remember one summer afternoon in Bremerton, sitting out on the lawn with my oldest, who was 4 at the time, watching a worm bury itself in the dirt. My son was fascinated by the process, and because he was, I was as well. We sat there watching for about 10 minutes until the worm was all gone, then went on with our day, and I never felt like that time was wasted.

But now my youngest is 14, and the discoveries aren't quite so wondrous anymore. They discover rejection, failure, heartbreak, cruelty, violence, and hatred. As they grow older, we can't shield them from everything anymore, and wouldn't even if we could, because in order to function in this world, you have to become familiar with all of it, good or bad. As I watch my kids fight their way through puberty and adolescence, I wish I could either bring them back to the innocence of their earlier days, or inject all the lessons I've learned directly into their cerebral cortex, to save them from making the same mistakes I made.

But it doesn't work that way, and all I can do is guide them, give them my advice, and watch them ignore it because I'm an old fart, and there's no way I could know what it's like to be a kid today. They have to learn from their own mistakes, and all I can do is to be there to pick them up when things go wrong, give them a hug (if they'll let me; hugging isn't always cool) and set them back on their feet to try again.

Following my kids' journey through adolascence has me looking back on the days of 2AM feedings, dirty diapers, and baby puke stains on every collar of every shirt in my closet with fondness and nostalgia for the good old days. You can't fix a broken heart with a kiss and a band aid.

My children are all making the difficult transition from child to adult, and it seems like just when I think they need my help the most, they are the least willing to accept it. I'm hoping it's because I've raised strong kids who want to be self reliant and make their own decisions, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. I watch them during their triumphs and defeats, and just hope that they remember a few of the things that I tried to teach them.

But lord, some of the decisions they're making right now! One has gone from wanting to be an astrophysicist to being a waiter on Key West. Another is dating someone 10 years their senior. Another wants to move to Mexico instead of going back to school. It's enough to give a guy gray hairs! (Which explains my new, clean-shaven look, by the way.)

In the movie Parenthood, Jason Robards has a line that really resonates for me right now. He was talking about raising kids and said:

It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.

It's frightening because you're never really sure you're doing it right, and you have no way of knowing until it's too late to do anything about it. All you can do is love them, guide them, teach them, and encourage them, and then hope it's enough as they begin their own lives.

Posted by Rich at January 20, 2006 12:53 AM | TrackBack