Shots Across The Bow

More Dating Tips for Dummies

My last column of dating tips inspired such a large response (2 emails and 2 comments is a large response? It is here.) that I figured I should mimic Hollywood, and do a sequel. Only unlike Hollywood, I'm going to change it up a bit. Instead of focusing on the guys, I'm going to broaden the appeal by including tips that work for either sex, because women make just as many mistakes as we do when it comes to first dates.

Believe me they do.

So here are a few more tips that apply to either sex, and probably to those in-betweeners as well.

1. When asked out on a date, there are only two correct answers: "Yes" or "No." Polite evasions or attempts to spare the other party's feelings are like pulling a Band Aid off slowly. In an attempt to minimize the pain, you actually make it hurt more and last longer.
2. When asked for a second date, Rule 1 still applies. If you would rather dive into a swimming pool filled with hungry piranha than go out with this person again, say so. Don't be that blunt about it, but be honest and direct. It's better to be stabbed through the heart than drawn and quartered.
3. If you happen to be going out with someone who violates rule 1 or 2, run. If by some chance your perseverance is rewarded with an actual relationship, this type of passive-aggressive behavior will slowly reduce you to a quivering lump of grade school cafeteria tapioca. Heed the warning signs and leave with your dignity and spine intact.
4. Remember, this is a first date. The C word and the M word (Commitment and Marriage to you rookies.)are to be avoided at all costs. Talking about them is a sure sign of either increasing desperation or unresolved emotional baggage and is a sure fire ticket back to singing "Alone Again, Naturally."
5. Asking what your date does for a living is fine; asking how much they make at it is not. It is amazing how many miss this subtle distinction. The only possible response to a question this rude is to answer with a lie. Tell 'em you made a mint in software design and got out before it crashed. Then take 'em home to your doublewide and see how quickly they remember another engagement they have to go to. If you don't have a doublewide, let me know; I'll hook you up.
6. As a rule, fibbing is permitted but lying is not. For example, it's OK to tell your date that you think her dress looks nice on her when in truth it resembles a gunny sack after a particularly brutal potato sack race. It's not OK to tell her that you love her just to get into her panties. Which by the way is a severe behavioral disorder; men wear boxers or briefs, never panties.
7. I'll finish up this section with a twin bill: Never settle, but give everyone a chance. The one you overlook or blow off just might be the one you needed. Look at it this way; if the majority of your dates end badly, and you keep choosing the same type of person to date, well then, like the man said, the simplest definition of insanity is to repeat the same steps over and over but expect different results. On the other hand, if you've been out a few times, and things are nice, but not what you're looking for, don't stick with it out of fear of being alone. Don't settle for less than you need.

Blind dates have their own special set of rules. First, you have to realize that if you're out on a blind date, it means that you have been unable to find an acceptable date on your own, for whatever reason, and now have to resort to friends, the internet, newspaper ads or telephone chat lines to find someone willing to go out with you. This sounds harsh, and it is, but it's also true. It could be that you simply don't have the time to look for a companion and so have to rely on somebody else to do it for you. You might be a single parent, or work 60 hours a week, or something similar, or you just might not now where to meet people. In any event, the important thing to remember is that whoever you hook up with is in the same boat.

So be nice.

1. Be extra polite and considerate of your date's feelings. The normal tension of a first date is quadrupled in a blind date, and an off-the-cuff remark may cause your date to break out into tears. If he does, just realize he's under a great deal of stress, and isn't totally himself.
2. Plan an activity that you will enjoy, regardless of the company. This has a triple benefit. First, if you are enjoying yourself, you'll feel less tension, and will be more likeable. Second, you find out if your date is in to something you're in to, and finally, why be miserable just because your date is?
3. Don't mistake desperation for attraction. You don't want just anybody; you want somebody. If the only reason you're going out with someone is because it's better than being alone, then you're wasting your time going out with the wrong person. Find the right one.
4. On a related note, and this applies to more than just blind dates, "Love the One you're With" is great as a lyric but rarely works as a lifestyle. Leaving aside the attendant problems (pregnancy, disease, AIDS, palimony, and boiled bunny rabbits), it can really interfere with attempts to form a real relationship.

Now then, let's assume you've been dating for awhile and you've become intimate; you're not out of the woods yet my friend. There are still plenty of pitfalls waiting to trip you up and gore your vitals with sharp pointy sticks smeared with rat feces.

I may have pushed that analogy a bit too far but I'll press on with a few tips for the steady dater:

1. 3-6 dates. You've been going out for a couple of weeks to a month. You are now officially an item. You're in that touchy area where dating around is starting to morph into cheating. While there may have been no explicit discussions of monogamy, you know it's on the table in the near future. How do you navigate this minefield? Rule of thumb: If you feel the need to hide it, don't do it. And I mean that both ways: don't do what you're thinking about hiding and don't hide what you're thinking about doing. Openness and honesty are the keys to surviving this crucial time.
   
2. 6-10 dates. That loose feeling in your stomach is the realization that you are now in a relationship. Her toothbrush is in your bathroom or his socks are under your bed. Domesticity isn't knocking on the door selling encyclopedias for the kids just yet, but it's in the neighborhood and headed your way. Do not panic. You wanted this, remember? Those lonely nights sitting in the living room in your underwear listening to the Carpenters sing "Yesterday Once More" (I'm sharing too much again, aren't I?)drove you here. The mild panic is just a reflex; your inner child is afraid of change. Ride it out; you'll feel much better in about a week.
   
3. 10+ dates. You are no longer dating; you are a couple, and you just go out. You're settling into a comfortable zone. THIS IS A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN!!! As soon as you get comfortable, you begin to take things for granted, and I guarantee your partner will do something to make you a bit less comfortable if you're not careful. Something like using your dirty laundry to potty train a diarhettic St. Bernard. And you don't even have a dog; your partner had to go to the pound to find one.

   If you've already screwed up and gotten to this point, take immediate action to correct the problem. Buy jewelry for women or power tools for men. Men, if you are the one who lapsed, apologize abjectly. If your partner is the one who goofed, you still apologize abjectly. This is known as Hailey's Law of Non-Reciprocity, which states that the only offense more grievous than being wrong in an argument with your spouse is being right.

OK, enough with the tips. Feel free to add your own in the comments, or disagree with the ones I've posted. Share a dating horror story or two; we've all got 'em, that's for sure. As for me, I'm headed out to a hockey game tonight.

Nope, not a date, just an evening out with family.

Posted by Rich at February 18, 2005 1:42 AM | TrackBack