Shots Across The Bow

Dating Tips

Katie Granju posted recently about how dating sucks and listed some of the offenses committed by some of her recent dates. Reading through the list, it's pretty clear that there are a lot of guys out there who could use some dating advice. Now I'm not the greatest at dating; in fact, I wasn't very good at it in high school, and my skills haven't improved after 10 years of neglect during my marriage. (Which, come to think of it, might have something to do with why I'm no longer married, but I digress.)

But there are a few things I'm clear on and I guess I need to share them with those of you who are worse off than I am, and you know who you are. And so, here's a quick list of first date tips for those returning to the dating scene after a long absense, or those who just haven't gotten the hang of it yet.

1. A pre-date shower is not optional; it's required. Yes, manly men engaged in manly pursuits like playing football and fixing cars do sweat, and there are women who like to see a bare chested sweaty man, but only if it's Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise. And I can guarantee you aren't either of them, because you wouldn't need this advice if you were. A woman wants a man who smells like a man, not a draft horse.

   Clean it up, fellas. While you're at it, brush your teeth, comb your hair, and wear clean underwear. Oh, and check your fingernails as well. Chewing them off on the way to pick her up is not good enough. Trim those bad boys.

2. Go easy on the cologne. Yes, most women like it when you smell nice, but they don't want to smell you from 3 blocks away. If she opens the door and tears come to her eyes, chances are that she's not weeping with joy at your mere presence; you went overboard on the Brut. Speaking of Brut, find a scent that works for you. Old Spice and English Leather may have worked for your dad, but unless you want to date your mom, you might want to invest in something a little more current. Your best bet is to have a female friend help you find a scent that suits you. Your other option is to ask the clerk at the store, but be careful with that; try to find a clerk in the same age range as the women you'll be dating. What smells good to a 20 year old youngster may not smell good to a 35 year old woman. Remember too, a good cologne reacts with your body chemistry; it smells different on you than it does coming out of the bottle.

   Once you've found the right cologne, put it on early, 30 minutes before the date. That gives it time to blend with your skin, and lets the excess evaporate. Less is more; if she likes the way you smell, and has to be closer to you to appreciate it, why, that's good for everybody, right?

3. Wear clothing appropriate for the date. Attending a symphony in ragged jeans and a tye dyed tee doesn't make you a rebel; it makes you look ridiculous.

4. Clean out your car! No old McDonalds bags on the floor, dried up french fries in the ash tray, or melted crayons on the seat. She's not going to see your house on a first date, so her only impression of how you live will be your car. It doesn't have to be fancy, just clean.

5. Flowers are nice, but optional. If you do bring flowers, skip the roses and go with a seasonal arrangement; roses are for later. Tell the person at the flower shop (not Wal Mart) that you want a small bouquet for a first date, and they'll set you up. Mums, daisies, or wild flowers work well. Forget the chocolates until the second date. Too many women are weight conscious, and will not react well to box of empty calories. After the first date, you should know her well enough to know whether chocolates are a good thing, or on the forbidden list.

OK, that's enough for the prelims. Let's move on to the date itself. You've picked her up; you're on your way to dinner or lunch.

1. Forget fast food. On later dates, it may fit in with your plans, but you don't want her to think you're cheap. You don't have to go to the Regas, but choose a nice place where you can sit and talk for awhile, and get to know each other. The last thing you want her to associate you with is screaming kids and a manic depressive clown.

2. Remember the manners your momma taught you. Open doors for her, take her coat, seat her first, treat her like the lady she is. Even if she happens to be an "exotic dancer" at Th' Katch, there's no excuse for bad manners. Now, this may cause a problem if she's a radical feminist, but chances are, if she's going out on a date with you, she isn't. And if she is, it's good to find this out early on in the date.

   Eat using the proper utensils. Mashed potatoes is not a finger food. Use your napkin. If you have a moustache or beard, keep them food free. Calling your moustache a "flavor saver" may have been funny to the fellows when you were out at sea, but you're on dry land now, sailor. Keep it clean.

3. You're buying. Now this rule is negotiable, because some women feel pressured unless they pay their own way. If you are dating one of these women, then when she raises the issue, accept her wishes gracefully. An exception to this rule is if she asks you out. Rule of thumb is whoever asks, pays, unless you discuss other arrangements.

4. Talk to her. This doesn't mean going into your last hernia operation in gory detail, including photographs and an exploration of the scarred area. That can wait until the third date.

   Find interests you have in common and explore them. After all, you're there to get to know more about each other; talking about the last UT game may interest you, but she won't know anything more about you.

5. Listen to her. Let her talk to you. Encourage her to talk about her interests, and actually pay attention. Show her that you're interested and ask questions. After all, if you aren't really interested in her, why are you there? (For all you smart aleks who instantly answered "To get laid", email me for directions to Hillary's House of Hillbilly Love (and Bait Shop). You'll find what you're looking for there.) Leave the ladies alone.

6. Pick an activity that encourages communication and closeness. Dancing is great, but if you or your date have two left feet, a movie works as well. Even though you spend two hours not talking to each other, you have a built in topic of conversation afterwards. What's most important is to pick something that interests you, and share that interest with her.

OK, now the date is winding down. You've had dinner, gone dancing, to a concert, or a show, maybe had a cup of coffee or a drink to wind down, and you're taking her home. How do you end the date successfully, i.e. goodnight kiss or hug?

I'm going to say that 99% of the time, if you've followed the tips above, a good night kiss will be welcomed; after all, we aren't in high school anymore. But you must watch her signals throughout the date. If she's affectionate, if you are both touching frequently, if you share space comfortably, then go for the kiss. On the other hand, if she's tense or standoffish, or if she's been very shy, forcing the issue won't work. Settle for hug, and go on your way.

If all she'll do is shake hands, well, there probably was no chemistry between you, and it's time to move on.

The tricky part is the middle ground, where you've had a good time, but don't know if she kisses on the first date. In this case, your best bet is to give her a hug, then pull back slightly and look at her. If she meets your eyes, go for the kiss. If she's looking away, that's a sign that she feels like you're invading her space. End the hug and say goodnight. If you go for a kiss and she turns her head, you misread the signals, but she's giving you a graceful way out. Don't force her to use the head bump to stop your overly amorous intentions. Just kiss her on the cheek and say goodnight.

If you do get the kiss, now is not the time for tonsil hockey, Pedro; unless of course she initiates it, in which case, participate with enthusiasm and hopefully skill. Here, as in cologne, less can be more.

If she invites you inside, well, I hope you can take it from there, because this is a family blog, after all.

Now the date is over. What next? What do you do to see her again, or let her know you don't want to see her again?

Call her within a couple of days (3 at the most), whether you want to see her again or not. Thank her for the date, let her know you had a good time, and if you want to see her again, ask her out. If not, let her know that while you had fun, you aren't interested in going any further. Be polite, but firm. (This is the area I have the most trouble with. I hate making people feel bad.)

If you do get a second date, now would be a good time to send a gift. At this point, roses are still a bit much, but depending on how the first date went, they can be appropriate. Make sure to have them sent to her home, not her place of work. Surprising her at work is a romantic gesture, but could get her into trouble. On the other hand, if she happens to be maried, sending them to her home might also get her into trouble.

Try and be a little creative on the gift thing. A box of chocolates is nice, but kind of boring. How about Godiva chocolate ice cream and two spoons? Or a trip to the Marble Slab Creamery instead? Put some thought into it; it'll pay off later.

Finally, a list of dating dont's.

• DON'T talk about your last relationship. She will ask, because she wants to make sure that you have dated before (this let's her know you aren't a complete jerk) and that it's over. A 30 minute rant about how the %$&^*$! ruined your life will result in an early end to your evening. Just mention that you broke up, grew apart, went your separate ways, or some other generic comment to let her know that it is over, and that you are no longer obssessed with hunting the %@*&! down and killing her.
  
• DON'T tell an endless stream of dirty/racist/sexist jokes. Unless of course, you met via a Klan dating service, in which case, you deserve each other.
  
• DON'T fart out loud. Again, unless you met at a Klan meeting, since that's liable to be the most intelligent conversation the two of you will share all evening.
  
• DON'T expect sex on the first date. Yes, you're both adults, and chances are both of you have 'done it' before, but tonight ain't necessarily the night. And if it is, then let it be a surprise to you. This has probably been the biggest surprise in my return to dating. What used to take weeks, and tremendous amount of pleading and persuasion now may occur within a few dates. Just don't expect it. Treat her like a lady, and she'll let you know if she's amenable.
  
• DON'T discuss religion unless it is primary to your life, and you absolutely must (or absolutely will not) date a Catholic/Jew/Muslim/Mormon/Zorastrian Buddhist or whatever. Same with politics. After all, if Carville and Matelin can make their marriage work, why let politics get in the way of a first date?
  
• DON'T get drunk. Don't even get tipsy. In fact, try not to let her drink too much either. You don't want to be tomorrow's regret. Even if the date is totally miserable, you have nothing in common, and you'd rather be getting a root canal without anesthetic than spend another moment with your date, don't do it. Only bad things can come of it. Either you'll tell her the truth, leading to an ugly scene, or the beer goggles may kick in and you'll wake up the next morning in bed with her. And married.

  Yikes.

• DON'T eat ribs on a first date. There's no way to eat ribs and maintain any kind of cool, so avoid it at all costs. Spaghetti is another good one to avoid.
  
• Finally, DON'T ask if her breasts are real! (I'm amazed I even have to say this.) A real man knows without asking, and a gentleman will find out for himself in the fullness of time.

And there you have it. Some of these should be common sense, but after talking to some of the women I've dated, it's painfully clear that sense isn't as common as it used to be.

Ladies, feel free to add to this list, make comments, corrections, or clarifications where needed. Part of the burden of having a good first date falls on you as well. Most of us guys out here want you to have a good time with us; we're just not always certain how to accomplish that.

Posted by Rich at December 14, 2004 1:14 AM | TrackBack