Shots Across The Bow

Why Do They Wear Shoes?

Here at Shots, I try to deal with all of the burning issues of the day, including the classical dilemma's that have puzzled mankind for centuries, like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

I worked on that particular question for weeks, querying evolutionary biologists, paleontologists, archeologists, and even a couple of Creationists, gathering as many facts as possible in order to unriddle this conundrum. Eventually, after a long night of contemplation while watching a Family Bonds marathon on HBO, I heard the sound of one eye blinking and achieved a Zen-like state of satori and the answer came:

It was the rooster.

Having solved that one, I moved on to one that was even more puzzling. Why do strippers wear shoes?

I mean, they're getting naked and dancing on a stage, leaping and whirling around on poles, gyrating and crawling on all fours. Why do they need to wear 4 inch heels? Is it a law? Is there some requirement that they must keep on one article of clothing to avoid a charge of lewd conduct? I can tell you from experience that many of these women could be

Now I've sampled the swankiest gentlemen's clubs and sleaziest nudie bars in 11 states and 6 countries; this is not something I'm proud of, but I must establish my credentials, you know. After all, I am a serious journalist. Just like it took the TBI and local law enforcement tens of thousands of dollars and 3 years worth of visits to discover that massage parlors in East Tennessee were actually fronts for prostitution (gasp!), so too it took me years of study and untold numbers of dollar bills to acquire a basic familiarity with the ecdysiast in her usual habitat.

But I'm willing to make any sacrifice, no matter how painful, in order to seek out the truth and bring it back to you. No, you don't have to thank me; it's all part of the job.

So, in search of the truth, I went out to The Katch, the classiest local strip club, to conduct some field research. I observed the dancers for a couple of hours, only in order to verify that each and every dancer did in fact maintain her shoes on at all times. In some instances, I observed from a very close range, so close that one might even call it intimate. However, the close range observations were hampered due to the fact that the dancer's position relative to my sight line combined with her natural...er...talents, kept her feet totally out of focus. I was forced to repeat my observations several times, but with no success.

Darn the luck.

However, I bravely pressed on with observations from a more conducive distance and did manage to ascertain that the girls do always wear shoes. Having nailed down the facts of the matter (and having blown through my supply of singles) I moved to the next phase of my investigation, the personal interview. In order to determine why they wore shoes, it was necessary to ask them. The scientific method demanded it. Who am I to go against the dictates of science?

I chose a lovely little blonde named Bambi for my first interview. (It never ceases to amaze me how many parents name their daughters Bambi, Autumn, Mercedes, and the like. How did they know so early on that their daughters would choose to strip for a living? Maybe that's the next issue I'll investigate. Volunteers to assist in this research may apply by email. The requirements are simple; a ready supply of dollar bills and no jealous wife who'll berate me for corrupting their husbands.)

I asked Bambi why it was that the girls always wore shoes when they danced naked. Her answer incorporated advanced thermodynamics, nuclear physics, basic meteorology, and a smattering of chaos theory. She must have noticed the dull glaze in my eyes and took pity on me, simplifying her answer so that I could follow. According to her, they wear shoes for temperature control. Similar to the old saying, "Cover your head to keep your feet warm," she said that since dancers were mostly bare, they kept their feet covered to keep their heads warm.

It made sense to me at the time.

As we were discussing the issue, a brunette named Diamond eased by. Overhearing our conversation, she said "Huh! And I thought we wore them to make our asses look better!" and walked on in search of her next tip.

Nonchalantly, Bambi said "Well that's another good reason!" and proceeded to hit me up for a couch dance. Having accomplished my mission, (and blown all my cash) I regretfully declined and headed for home.

So there you have it folks, two explanations for the price of one. Which is ironically appropriate when you think abou tit.

Posted by Rich at December 3, 2004 1:23 AM | TrackBack