Shots Across The Bow

Rejection sucks!

I spent Sunday afternoon on the third floor of Patrick Sullivan's Saloon making a fool out of myself.

Not that that's in any way unusual; I often make a complete fool out of myself, but this was one of the rare occasions when it was in public and on purpose.

I was trying out for the Einstein Simplified Comedy Troupe. I've written about them here before, but in case you're just joining me, they are a short form improv group, performing in the vein of Whose Line Is It Anyway? which you may have seen on ABC, or the original version on the BBC. They held an open audition on Sunday, and since I spent most of my formative childhood years being laughed at and verbally abused, I figured I must have some sort of talent for provoking laughter, especially when it's at my expense. So I figured it was time to take advantage of this talent, which should've made me a lock to win a coveted spot on the Einstein roster.

As you can tell from the title of this post, I wasn't.

The audition worked like the reverse of the standard show; we performed for the troupe, playing the same games they play each Tuesday night from 8:30 - 10:00 PM, while they smoked, ate, talked, heckled, and took calls on their cell phones. There were 12 of us trying out, so we rotated through the games, making sure everybody had the chance to make the biggest fool out of themselves they could in the time allotted.

And did we ever! Not always in the way the boys wanted, but hey, anything for a laugh, right? To our addled minds, simple instructions like, "form a square," seemed to be incomprehensible gibberish stuttered in archaic sanskrit. We were told to never ask a question in a skit; instantly that's all we could do. We barked like chickens, talked of 7 foot tall midgets, and depicted death by mop from a porn store.

This was not your normal Sunday afternoon conversation, where you talk about how the lawn looks on account of the rain, or whether Jeff Gordon will win another race, or topics equally sane and boring. This was comedy, or at least a reasonable facsimile.

Going in to the audition, I was afraid I would freeze up, and really stink up the joint. But we did a few warm up exercises, and after the first game, I relaxed, got into the flow, and then proceeded to stink up the joint. Oh, the boys gave me a polite chuckle or two here and there, and I did manage to crack up some of my fellow auditionees, but there were no belly laughs from the guys. Although Wes did take an unnecessary pot shot at my belly.

Hey Wes, that heckler in the back row that's going to throw off your timing for the next month? That'll be me, my friend.

Paybacks are a bitch, buddy.

To be perfectly honest, I knew my chances weren't good since they had mentioned several times over the past couple of weeks that they were really looking for female members, and I don't have the required genetic programming, and the surgical alterations are too expensive and frankly, scary. I mean, I guess I wouldn't mind having a set of boobs of my very own, to play with whenever I want, but the thought of excising Mr. Winky is simply out of the question. However, I did consider taping a couple of large water balloons to my chest in order to augment my chances, but I thought better of it and didn't. In retrospect, I'm glad I chose the high road, although if I had it to do over again---I'd go for the knee-shooters, baby! Heck, I'd look so good I might even start my own website.

But perhaps I'm sharing too much.

A couple of things I learned over the two and a half hour audition:

• Improv is damned hard work. I was wired on adrenaline as I left the place, but by the time I got home, I was exhausted. You have to keep a high energy level the entire time, concentrating on your fellow performers, trying to read their cues, and give them cues to work with, and hoping to God you don't draw a blank on one of fast paced games.
  
• Improv can be painful. The stage floor is not a forgiving surface, and when you're blown up in a bookstore (long story) the impact of your body hitting the floor can be stunning, not to mention frightening to the folks dining below.
  
• Improv is not pretty.
  
  Need I say more? Although honesty compels me to state that there were some very attractive auditionees there. There were also some women trying out.
  
• Improv is a blast!

It wasn't until after the audition was over that I realized we'd been at it for 2.5 hours. The guys in the troupe, far from being critical and demanding, worked with all of us, and tried to keep the pressure off, allowing everyone to give their best. Laughter was the order of the day, something I've heard isn't found at many auditions.

Was I funny? Well, I'd have to say that while I may not be Adrian Cronauer yet, I'm not Lt. Hauk either. But, good, bad, or totally awful, this was the most fun I've ever had getting utterly rejected, and that's something I have a lot of experience with. In fact, I had so much fun, that I realized that these guys would do the show for free.

And so I think they should.

Henceforth and forthwith, I shall attend the show tip-free, (Except for the wait staff, who work their butts off every night)knowing that the guys in Einstein Simplified all perform for the sheer joy of it.

And for the groupies. Right Paul?

UPDATE: Auditions are a tough thing, particularly among a tight knit group like the Einsteiners and their audience. How do you tell a loyal fan that they don't have what it takes? And as a fan, how do you deal with it? I chose to laugh about it, but it has been brought to my attention that the above piece may be interpreted as a bitter slam at the guys in Einstein Simplified. Such was not my intent, and reflects only on my writing ability, or lack thereof, and possibly a reflection of my very real disappointment at not making the cut. The guys, as I said, made everything as easy for us as possible, and did their best to let us do our best. I had an absolute blast trying out.

And Wes, I won't heckle you. I respect you too much. The fact that you're 3" inches taller than me and could very well reassign my gender without the need for expensive surgery has nothing to do with it.

Posted by Rich at June 28, 2004 12:30 AM | TrackBack