Shots Across The Bow

If Campaign Ads Were Subject to Truth in Advertising Laws...

CUE: Music with a stern majesty, something from one of those long hair composer types, playing in the background while we see

ON SCREEN: John Kerry in silhouette, back lit against a montage of All-American images, Mount Rushmore, Iwo Jima statue, etc.

music swells to a particularly majestic bit then cuts under as we hear

ANN: (Somebody with a really manly voice, like the dude from the Rockford Files, what was his name? Oh yeah, James Garner. He'd be good. Or that Magnum PI guy...um...Tom Selleck. Yeah, get Tom Selleck! He's a republican boss. Won't go for it. Damn! OK, then it's the Garner guy.) John Kerry is a man with a vision for America, a vision firmly rooted in the shifting sands of popular opinion as stated in the latest polls. Unafraid to take on the really tough issues, he looks carefully at both sides of every question carefully developing a nuanced position that seats him firmly on both sides of the debate.

• He voted for the Iraqi War, yet he was against it.
  
• He's for gays getting all the rights of marriage, as long as they don't use the word marriage.
  
• He supported America's right to act unilaterally against Saddam Hussein, while standing opposed to George Bush acting unilaterally against Saddam Hussein.
  
• He voted to impose tougher restrictions on Cuba, while voting against tightening restrictions on Cuba.

His approach is so nuanced in fact, that he denies that they are nuanced.

Now that's nuanced.

SHOW: stock Viet Nam footage while ANNOUNCER continues:

ANN: John Kerry is a proud man who represents new ideas for a new America. He won't make his service as a decorated war hero

SUBTITLE: Honorable Discharge after 3 Purple Hearts and Bronze Star

ANN: central to the campaign. Instead, he chooses to focus on today's bigger problems, like jobs, health care, and the economy.

Nor will he run a negative campaign, unlike the most crooked, you know, lying group he's ever seen.

CUE: stock images of the UN General Assembly, Jaques Chirac, Kim Jong Il, and Fidel Castro.

ANN: John Kerry is man who is internationally approved by several foreign leaders, and although discretion prevents him from saying exactly who they might be, we all know just how important having international approval of our electoral process is.

CUE: Bring back the long hair music as the announcer closes

ANN: John Kerry. Veteran. Nuanced. Internatioanlly approved. He's everything we need in a President.

KERRY: Hello. I'm John Kerry, and I approved this message, although I do have reservations about some parts of it, reservatiosn that will allow me to distance myself from it if polling indicates a negative response.

ANN: Paid for by George Soros and other people who have more money than you'll ever dream of, neatly bypassing the limits imposed by McCain-Feingold.

Posted by Rich at March 19, 2004 8:45 AM | TrackBack