Shots Across The Bow

My Application

Spike TV has a new show called "10 Things Every Guy Should Experience." They get two pairs of guys to humiliate themselves in stupid events in order to win a trip to a "guy event," like the Superbowl, or Wrestlemania. Then they take the best bits and make an hour long show out of it.

Yeah, I know, a little moronic, but then again, we're guys, and we'll put up with a little national humiliation to get what we want. After all, there's no humiliation worse than the long walk back across the bar to your buddies when the pretty girl you just asked to dance says no.

Well, except for the even longer walk when a not-so- pretty girl says no.

Anyway, just for grins, I checked out the application, and figured, what the heck, I've got nothing better to do tonight; I'll fill it out.

Of course, I'm not going to play it straight. There's only a one in a million shot I'd get selected, so I might as well give the poor bastards reading all those apps a little laugh. So here is my application for "10 Things Every Guy Should Experience" (and no, an intimate evening with the Olsen twins ain't on the list. Be nice)

NAME: Rich Hailey

PHONE NUMBER: I gave it to them, but for you, it's 555-yeah, right.

EMAIL ADDRESS: rhailey@shotsacrossthebow.com

GENDER: male (only 2 choices; how republican of them)

DATE OF BIRTH: a while ago

CURRENT OCCUPATION: freelance gigolo

TEAMMATE's NAME: inserted my brother's name, which according to the Witness Protection Program, I cannot reveal here. (But they didn't object to him going on National TV. Strange.)

Ok, this first part was pretty straight forward, and there weren't many opportunities to mess around, but then came the more personal questions...

Where did you first meet your teammate?
When my parents brought him home from the hospital.

He drooled on me.

Name three of your favorite hobbies
Running marathons. Cliff diving. Lion taming
Ok, for real.
Eating marathon candy bars. Reading cliff notes. Lying around.

What is your idea of a good time? (30 words or less):
I like to crush my enemies and hear the lamentations of their women

List the three adjectives that best describe you
purple
arcane
slickery

Describe the most memorable moment you and your teammate have experienced together
The day we saved a baby's life by pulling it's runaway carriage out from in front of a speeding 18 wheeler.
Or the time we double dated siamese twins during an exceptionally cool spring break in Panama City Beach.
Or did you want something that really happened?

Have you ever been on television before? If so, when and what show(s)?:
Does a police sketch on America's Most Wanted count?

So, you think I've got a chance?

Posted by Rich at March 18, 2004 6:16 AM | TrackBack