Shots Across The Bow

A Few Quick Hits

Brief notes from a busy life:

• I was watching The Princess Bride the other night with my kids and when we got the the Iocaine powder duel, I had a political epiphany: John Kerry is Vizinni the Sicilian reincarnated.

• For those who didn't get it the first time, the reason the Spanish election represents a win for the terrorists is simple. Prior to the bombing, the socialists had a very slim lead, well within the margin of error. After the bombing, they won in a walk. Even a whacked out terrorist can grasp cause and effect. Set off a bomb, and your enemies crumble.

  You couldn't pay me to live anywhere in Europe for the next decade or so.

• Let me get this straight. Some moron eats fast food three times a week for a month and gains weight, and this is news? And now McDonalds, in a remarkably craven atempt to pander to more morons who feel the need to monitor what I decide to eat, has decided to remove the Super Sized items from their menu. So it appears that in America, who you eat in the bed room is your own business; what you eat in a restaurant is everybody's business.

  Well, McDonalds won't have to worry about me in the future. I'll give my business to someone who actually wants to sell me what I want, rather than what some loudmouthed busybodies think I should be allowed to have.

• Speaking of gay marriage, some mayors and other officials have begun issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples, even though it's against the law. Their reasoning is that the law is wrong, and therefore, they shouldn't have to follow it.

  Try that argument the next time you get a speeding ticket.

• Paging Dr. Dean, Dr. Howard Dean. Anybody heard from him since his primal scream? He's disappeared off the screen faster than Jay Leno's warm up comic when The Tonight Show starts taping.

  Like all good fluffers, he got the ball rolling, then stepped out of the way for the real stars.

• John McCain is reportedly shocked, very shocked, to find that Democrats are funneling truckloads of money through the loopholes in his campaign finance reform law. Obviously, his solution is to enact an improved campaign finance reform act to close the loopholes in the first one.

  Given the effects of his first stab at it, before long, average folks won't be allowed to talk politics over the water cooler without filing 37 forms, in triplicate, via snail mail, and paying a $275 fee to cover the background check and other processing. Meanwhile, the usual suspects will be able to buy their candidates at a greatly reduced rate since competion from actual citizens will be all but eliminated.

• In a surprise move that confounded long time observers, John Kerry has come down firmly and unequivocally on one single side of an issue, with no waffling qualifiers. He's completely opposed to "Laci and Connor's law," which would classify a fetus as an additional victim if it is injured or killed during an attack on the mother.

  The Kerry campaign denies that the fact that fetuses cannot vote has anything to do with his uncharacteristic lack of nuance.

• Let's see, $30 million investment; years of effort to plan, film, market and distribute a film most industry insiders predicted would never make back a cent; and now Mel looks like he's going to clear somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 million for The Passion, a movie very few people will see more than once.

  Tell me again how he's wrecked his career?

• John Kerry has claimed that he's been in touch with foreign leaders who support his candidacy. When pressed for details, he claims that it would violate a confidence if he were to name names.

  Didn't most of us grow out of this crap roughly around the 11th grade? Is this guy running for United States President, or Junior Class President?

  Jeez, people.

OK, that's enough spleen venting for one night. Catch y'all tomorrow, when I promise I'll have a more coherent piece on applying to be a contestant on a TV reality show.