Shots Across The Bow

Ways to enjoy your lay off.

As y'all know, my buddies at WOKI are facing the specter of unemployment, something I may also be facing in the near future. As a public service for them, and anyone else who's suffered through the weakened job market, I thought I'd give us all a look at the positive side of unemployment. So, without further ado, here is my list of

• Maintain your contacts by calling your employed friends and inviting them to play a round of golf. On Wednesday morning.
• Annoy conservatives by going to the welfare office in your three piece suit.
• Relieve the stress of unemployment by going on a "free" timeshare vacation. As soon as the sales pitch begins, inform the agent you were just laid off. Enjoy a peaceful, free vacation.
• Use your new freedom to take up a hobby, like panhandling in the old city. You’ll meet interesting new people, and improve your job interview skills.
• Keep physically fit by participating in sports, like competitive sleeping, or advanced aerobics class spectating. (Warning! The latter may involve actual exercise if you get caught.)
• Use the opportunity to pursue an alternate career by finally completing that ICS course on locksmithing you started 10 years ago.
• Show that there's no hard feelings by filing humorous complaints with OSHA, EPA, and Labor Board against your old employer. Claim you were let go for being a whistle blower. Enjoy the hilarity that ensues.
• Show your spouse how much you appreciate their patience by taking over some of the household chores. Annoy the crap out of them by telling them how they've been doing it wrong.
• Get involved with your kids' education. Volunteer at their school and make sure to embarrass them at every opportunity. This is easier than it sounds, because the simple fact of your presence is enough to mortify them for months.
• Have fun with telemarketers. Engage them in long draw-out conversations. Order one of everything they're selling, with all options. Once they get to billing, suddenly remember that you're unemployed. (This option also has a socially redeeming value, since as long as the soulless vampire is tied up with you, he isn't sucking the life out of the next poor bastard on his list.)

So you see, there are plusses to being unemployed. With a little forethought, and a minimal effort on your part, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy this quiet interlude in your life and come out the other side rested, relaxed, and amused, while also continuing to contribute to the public good.