Shots Across The Bow

Driving in the Snow

Well, K-Town finally got a real snowfall, and as usual some folks acted like it was Armageddon. I left work at 4PM as the snow really started, and on the way home, it became clear that it was my duty as a son of the South to give y'all some pointers on how to survive the white stuff from the sky.

First rule: If you don't have to drive, DON'T! Trust me, I've seen you drive, and you don't know how to handle the snow. You drive too slow, or too fast, or your follow too close, sometimes all of the above. I know you've been conditioned to run to the Piggle Wiggly for milk and bread when the first snow flake falls, but I'll bet if you look around in your kitchen, you can find food for at least a week, giving you plenty of time before having to consider the Donner option. We live in the Southeast; we won't be snowed in more than a day or so. Let the groceries wait.

Second rule: I know you're going to break the first rule; you just gotta have that Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, or life won't be worth living, so you'll hop into your car and head on down to the grocery store, never mind that even professional drivers are staying off the roads because they are too dangerous. You can handle the snow, right?

Wrong!

Everything you know about driving changes in the snow. reflexes which save your life and keep your insurance rates low will cause tremendous property damage, as well as inspire terror in everyone in your car or your path as you careen wildly down the road.

Or sidewalk as the case may be.

If you're going to drive, remember the following:

• Understand that we don't get a lot of snow here, so chances are everybody on the road is just as incompetent as you are, and just as oblivious to that fact. One wrong move and you could be the featured attraction in a 60 car pile up.
  
• Give the guy in front of you plenty of room, and by plenty, I mean at least 15 car lengths. Riding his tail does two things: it guarantees that if something goes wrong, your car will become intimately involved with his car, and second, by distracting the guy in front of you, it increases the chances of something going wrong 200 fold.
  
• Your brakes are no longer your friend. Yes I know, you rely on your brakes to get you out of trouble all the time. They are your ally, your buddy. Normally, when you fail to notice the traffic slowdown in front of you because you are answering your cell phone, you slap on your brakes, and all is well. Unfortunately, now that the road is covered with snow and ice, your brakes have gone from allies to your worst enemy. If you get into trouble, hitting your brakes will make sure that you get into worse trouble. Avoid the temptation to slam on your brakes when you see the guy in front of you spinning out because if you don't you will join him in the Pirouette of Doom, and wind up swapping insurance information while the wrecker pulls your cars off the median wall. "But Rich", I hear you asking, "If we can't use our brakes, how do we keep from hitting the guy ahead of us?" which leads me to:
  
• For God's sake, slow down! If the normal speed limit is 55 mph, 50 mph is not slow enough. Cut your usual speed in half, and see how that feels. You can save some time by going faster, but it takes more time to push your car out of the ditch than you save by going 5mph faster.
  
• Pretend you are driving a load of nitroglycerin, and any sudden moves might set it off. Gentle turns, gradual starts and stops, that's the recipe for driving in the snow. Any sudden movement of the wheel, the accelerator, or the brake will cause your car to imitate Michelle Kwan in the Olympics, complete with a triple sowcow into a telephone pole. (Ewww, the East German judge didn't like that landing at all, Bob!)
  
• When you begin to go into a skid, (and you will), turn into the skid gently, and allow the car to straighten itself out. Don't touch your brake or you will find yourself watching the world go by.

  Sideways.

  This is not a driving method recommended by the Tennessee State Highway Patrol, and will result in a ticket, some moderately expensive body work, or both.
  

• Never stop while going up a hill, unless you want to go back down the hill.

  Backwards.

  At least for awhile, until the spin starts. It's an 'E' ticket ride until you shoot out into the cross traffic, but don't worry, you might get lucky and nobody else will be coming.

Follow these basic tips, and you will successfully avoid causing an accident. However, you are still at the mercy of idiots who don't follow the rules because they don't know them. You will have to prepare for and evade the guy who wants your lane, even though you're using it; the guy who is running late and figures that if he goes fast enough, he'll get where he's going before he has time to have an accident. You'll have to avoid the lady who gets almost to the top of the steepest hill in town, then stops to check her makeup, and trhe guy in the SUV who drives 30mph faster than everybody else on the road because "I have 4WD by god and I'm going to use it!" Sooner or later, he discovers that 4WD doesn't mean anything when you lose traction, except that the repairs are going to be more expensive.

Well, I hope I've helped in some small way to keep you safe on the road on the days ahead. Now , if you will excuse me, I have to run to the store for some milk and some bread....

Posted by Rich at January 17, 2003 12:17 AM