Shots Across The Bow

Rules of Etiquette for Yankees visiting Heaven (AKA the South)

More reader mail:

How to Get Your Butt Kicked in The South

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

2. Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick butt.

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here its called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an butt kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your butt.

5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your butt.

6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.

7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your butt.

8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Michigan. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.

9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your butt home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your butt.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your butt all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grannies or they'll kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your butt.

Y'all have a nice day!