Shots Across The Bow

Christmas Memories—Trimming the tree

Like every other family, we have some Christmas traditions at my house. We hang stockings by the fireplace; we leave some cookies and milk for Santa; we open one present on Christmas Eve. We watch the Grinch every year, sometimes twice.(The real one, narrated by Boris Karloff, not the movie.) We watch Charlie Brown, and Rudolph, and sometimes I can even sit through Frosty. My all time favorite is still Santa Claus is Coming to Town, with the Burgermeister Meisterburger, the Winter Warlock, and all the rest.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ ‘cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ out the door!

They just don’t write ‘em like that anymore…

We play Christmas Music all morning long, from traditional to Mannheim Steamroller, and everything in between. My personal favorites are O Holy Night, and Springsteen singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. There’s eggnog in the fridge, and every 5 years or so we buy a new fruitcake to replace the old one that only had one piece missing. We cook up a special meal every Christmas, something non traditional, since we just had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. One year we did seafood, another steaks, and this year I’m thinking about a Turduken. I'll probably cheat and buy mine. There are always seven layer cookies, cheesecakes, carrot cakes, and pecan pies all over the place, and plenty of hot chocolate and mulled cider to go with them. My mom roasts pounds of pecans, and we munch on those while watching football games or Christmas specials. The dogs get Christmas too, because they get all the leftovers.

We hang mistletoe over the front door, (not that it’s done me any good the last couple of years, but hey, it’s tradition, right?) and a wreath outside, although we don’t do yard lights because the dogs will eat them. We put up the tree shortly after Thanksgiving and take it down promptly before the 4th of July. By then it makes great kindling for the pig pit! I do the lights, then the kids do the ornaments and tinsel. When the kids were smaller they couldn’t reach the top of the tree, so our Christmas tree was loaded down about 4 feet off the floor, then bare the rest of the way up. After they went to bed, Betty and I would even things out a bit.

One of the most amazing things about a Christmas tree is that no matter how carefully I inspect it at the lot, no matter how closely I look, when I get it home, there will be a great big bare spot located in the worst location. I’ll take the tree off the top of the car, spread out the branches, put it onto the stand, bring it into the house, set it up, and there will be this gaping void where branches used to be. They were there in the lot, I’m sure of it. I walked around the blasted thing 18 times, scrutinizing it from every angle before picking it out. But there it is, a Grand Canyon sized bare spot. The thing that drives me craziest is I can never find any broken branches. Where did this hole come from?

So I cheat, by facing the bare spot towards the wall. Then I notice that when the tree is turned in that direction, it looks lopsided, so I decide to move the tree into the corner, so you can cover up two bad sides. But no, my children say that the tree has to be in front of the window so we can stand out in the cold and admire the lights. So I haul it back in front of the window, and decide to camouflage the hole.

Now there are a couple of different approaches to this camouflage. Some use ornaments; others try to cover it in tinsel. I like the architectural approach myself, and re-engineer the tree so it meets my specs. I start with the very foundation of tree decorations, the lights. What I do is use the light strands to haul branches around to where I need them. Now you can’t do this with cheap light strands; they don’t have the tensile strength to handle the load and will part under the strain, adding a little extra excitement to your Christmas festivities. Back in the old days, this was easier, as the lights were actual bulbs on thick strands of wire. Yes, you had a slight risk of a fire erupting in your tree, or third degree burns if you accidentally touched one, (reds were the hottest, for future reference) but the soft warm glow of the lights sure was pretty! That is, as long as they were on. These older strands were wired in series, which means that if one bulb went out, the whole strand went dark. I can remember spending hours swapping bulbs, searching for the bad one, only to find that my test bulb was bad. Now of course, we have these weenie little peanut bulbs that barely give off any light at all. Sure, they flash and twinkle, but so would the old ones if you stuck a bobby pin in the outlet!

Anyway, I start at the top of the tree and wrap the lights in a spiral. Using the wire strand to reposition the branches, I slowly cover the bare spot. If you try this at home, use smaller branches, as they are easier to position, but don’t use the really small ones, because they can slip free, causing a whiplash effect that can be dangerous, especially if you’ve already hung your ornaments. Picture a medieval mangonel hurling shards of razor sharp glass, and you’ll get the picture. Experience will show you just how much tension you can place on the branch before you reach the breaking point of either the branch, or the wire strand. Also, remember that the load is cumulative, and each branch you move adds its own stress to the tree. When you get toward the bottom of the tree, the branches are much sturdier, and resist being pulled into their new configuration. A slight brush with a small chain saw near the trunk will ease this problem, although it will make that branch turn brown faster than the rest. A can of green spray paint works wonders to correct this slight deficiency.

Now, as you gain experience, you can make your tree do things that would cost hundreds of dollars using conventional methods. For example, a popular feature these days is a moving tree stand, which allows your tree to gracefully pirouette, usually accompanied by the holiday music of your choice. I achieve a slightly different effect by taking several branches right up to the maximum strain, then holding them there with strands of light. The resulting strain causes a vibration in the tree, which is really quite striking in the right light.

Once you have the lights placed properly, it’s time to hang the ornaments. This is a fairly safe procedure, as long as you remember the warning above, and stay out of the trajectory of any potential missiles. Just don’t cheat by hanging any ornaments on the light strands themselves. If you’ve done your job properly, they are already at maximum load. After the ornaments, comes the tinsel, which should be placed sparingly, one or two strands per branch. Or you can do like I do, and drape that sucker till she droops; it’s your call.

The final part of decorating the tree is usually putting the star on top. Now in my parent’s house, the star was a piece of a cardboard box cut into a five-pointed star and covered with tin foil. We thought that was just the coolest thing ever when we were kids, so if the star began to tatter, my mother would make a new one. We never had any other star on our tree that I can remember. When I had my first tree, I decided to strike out on my own. No tin foil star for this man! Nope, I wasn’t even going to have a star at all. I wanted an Angel. So I got one. 15 inches tall, beautifully dressed and painted, she was a thing of beauty. Someday when I live in a house with 10 foot ceilings, I’ll be able to buy a tree big enough so I can use it. For now, she sits on the mantle, along with the Nativity set, and on top of the tree this year will be a cardboard star, covered in aluminum foil.

Now notice I said this is usually the last step. In my house we have one other tradition. After decorating the tree, trimming it to perfection, we all go to sleep, and sometime in the night, no matter what kind of stand I use, no matter how many guy wires I attach, no matter how extensive the bracing is, by morning the tree will be laying on it’s side in a minefield of broken glass, and live electrical wires.

I don’t know why this happens. It must be one of those eternal mysteries like Transubstantiation and the Easter Bunny. All I know is that I am destined to put up a Christmas tree at least twice during the Christmas season.

Posted by Rich at December 10, 2002 3:41 PM