December 9, 2002

The New Christmas Carols

Christmas with the Washington Regulators

Bob:

Here is the ad copy for our latest release. What do you think?


Ladies and gentleman, the US government Recording Studios is proud to present Christmas with the Washington Regulators! No longer do you have to worry about offending your friends and guests by playing those old, offensive, religiously exclusive holiday classics! We have recorded all new and revised versions of all of your favorite songs, guaranteed to bring back fond memories year after year. Just listen to the new version of “The Christmas Song:

Chestnuts roasting on an environmentally safe non wood or fossil fuel burning oxidation apparatus, Mythological personification of winter looking fondly at your nose……

Yes, you get 25 of the greatest seasonal songs of all time, including “Rudolph the chromatically challenged Reindeer” who now drives the sleigh, delivering copies of “It Takes a Village” and “Earth in the Balance” to all good little boys and girls, replacing that fashion criminal and exploiter of animals and vertically challenged craftsmen, Santa Claus.

You get the improved version of the beloved "Frosty the Snow Person!":

Frosty the Snow Person Was a jolly happy golem With a water bubble pipe And a button nose, And two eyes made out of black rocks!

And who can forget this classic of the season?:

We wish you a merry solstice We wish you a merry solstice We wish you a merry solstice And a happy sabbat!

How can you go wrong with these lovely non-discriminating seasonal favorites? Especially since we confiscated all the old versions, and enacted decency laws to prevent their public performance. We put the ‘silent’ in “Silent Night.”

You get all of these updated classics plus 21 other songs for the low low price of $19.95 plus tax*.

Order now! Or we’ll order it for you.

*

  • 3.95 if your income is < $25,000 per year with 0 dependents or $30,000 with 4 dependents.
  • $14.95 if your income is >$30,000 with no dependents or $35,000 with 5 dependents
  • For everyone else, compute the following: Gross annual income/tax rate found on pg 3,675 of the new simplified tax code, + the greater of line 37a section 12 or line 256 subsection D part xvii of your last year’s income tax return. Adjust this total for the number of dependents per Table 37 on page 243 of Appendix 12 of the 1040EZ form.
    Failure to pay proper sales tax will incur severe penalties.

Reply:

It looks pretty good, Jim, but I have a few corrections:

  • Delete the value judgment about “good” boys and girls. It could damage their self esteem. Let ‘em all get the books. We’ll just force the bad ones to actually read them.
  • Delete reference to SC. Derives from Christian mythology. Substitute with Kris Kringle.
  • Delete reference to the new laws. There’s still some idiots out there who object to them, and we don’t want to stir them up again.
  • How many times do I have to tell you? Put the tax calculations in the smallest print you can! We need the revenue.

Other than that, run with it.

Posted by Rich at December 9, 2002 4:15 PM