Dilemma solved Spring is here, and now is the time for romance, when young men and women go out into the world, and try to connect with each other. They engage in the timeless rituals of courtship, strutting and preening for each other, showing off their assets in a mating dance as complicated and as obvious as any of our avian cousins. A long time ago, they would walk together through the woods after a barn raising, or a church social. A couple of decades later, they might wander the footpaths through a park, or take a buggy ride down an isolated lane. More recently, they might cruise the strip, then hook up and go park at the local lover's lane. But all of these rituals are gone now, replaced by urban blight, and fast food neon signs. So where is a young man to go to win his love?
WalMart.
It's not as odd as it sounds. It’s a safe place, well lit, and with an active security presence. Everything you need is right there. Breath mints, aisle 4. Snacks, aisle 17. Condoms, in front of the pharmacy. And you can pretend you aren't looking, even when you are looking, desperately.
I work odd hours, so I often wind up doing my grocery shopping on a Friday or Saturday night. I first started because I figured the store would be fairly empty then and I could get done in a hurry. Now I go just to watch the show. The kids start out in packs, separated by sex, wandering the aisles, strutting and showing off. My nephew and his friend climb the shelves to sit in the display furniture, and sit and watch the crowd roll by, until security chases them down. Some kids come with a date already, to show off in front of their friends. They’ll promenade through the store a time or two, making sure to be seen, before heading off for the rest of their evening. This weekend was a prom weekend, and I saw several couples in tuxes and evening gowns, cruising the aisle before going to their prom.
The kids begin to break off into smaller groups, no longer segregated, but still needing the safety of a group, before the final pairings are made. As they pair off they begin to trickle out of the store, and head to where the lights aren't quite so bright. By 10:30 or so, most have left for locations more favorable for getting to know each other, but the action isn’t over, as they are replaced by their elders, as their mothers and fathers come to take their chances in Sam Walton’s World of Romance.
Men in their best jeans or dress pants, comb-overs slicked down and shiny, and women with their hair stacked and sprayed and perfect makeup walk the aisles with a few items in their carts, pretending to shop. These older folks are a more solitary breed. They don't travel in packs like the kids do; they get their security from the hiding behind the illusion that they are shopping for groceries, or air conditioner filters, or a new handsaw. They are more comfortable traveling alone, or in pairs. You can tell the amateurs, because they tend to hang out in the areas dominated by their own sex, clothing for the women, and hardware for the men. The more experienced cruisers hang out in unisex areas, like the grocery aisles, where the chance for an encounter with the opposite sex is much more likely. The gardening section is also a popular place, particularly since the lighting is not as bright.
By midnight, there is a lull, as the kids and the older folks have gone away, either alone or with a new friend. This lull lasts until closing time at the local bars.
"...last call for alcohol. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."
When the clubs close down, those who have been unsuccessful at the traditional meat markets come to WalMart for one last chance for a hook up. This crowd is between the kids and the older folks in age, and are more direct than either. They are at the end of the line for the evening, and the time for preening and strutting is over; this is a time for a naked display of lust. No courtship here, because the relationships born now are destined to last only 24 to 48 hours, spread over the next week or so. No coy ‘accidental’ collisions or teasing flirtations. Both sexes know why they are there, and play the game accordingly.
They give the store one lap, maybe two. If they haven't hooked up, they go home with the tube of toothpaste and jar of mayonnaise they threw in their cart as camouflage, and prepare to face another lonely night, seeking comfort with Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk. The successful cruisers go home, or to a motel, where they stave off the loneliness for a few hours. By 3AM, the store is deserted, except for the occasional insomniac, and the night stock clerks, who prep the store for another busy shopping day, and another busy night of cruising.
All of this goes on as the rest of us do our shopping, usually oblivious to the intricate mating rituals taking place all around us.
Posted by Rich at April 29, 2002 3:57 AM