Shots Across The Bow

We'll blow it up for you, wholesale!

We'll blow it up for you, wholesale! Neighbors, I have to tell you that I'm a little worried about our situation here. There's a deadly peril out there that destroys marriages, ruins your health, damages your hearing, and can leave life long scars on your deck and lawn. It's a vice that's easy to acquire and hard to shake; no need for long trips into the bad part of town, just go to your corner gas station. This time of year, you don't even have to go that far. Pushers have set up tents everywhere, dealing right out in the open! They'll do anything to satisfy your habit, as long as you can pay their price.

I'm talking about fireworks, folks, and it's a scary thing.

Once again, it's July 4th and fireworks are EVERYWHERE. The outlets like Big Daddies and Fireworks Superstore (Fireworks Live on DVD!) are bad enough, advertising their wares, FIREWORKS and BEER, like these two things belong together. The scary part is that in some folks mind, they do. I walked in the other day just to check it out, and one of the clerks, a refuge from the set of Deliverance walked up to me and asked what I wanted. I told him I was just looking around, getting an idea of what I wanted to get for the 4th. We talked a little bit about some of the different displays, then he looked at me kind of sideways, hitched a little closer, and told me if I didn't see what I wanted, to ask him. He had some "special stuff" out back that he thought I'd appreciate.

I hope he was talking about fireworks.

Even worse are the fly-by-night folks, who appear magically out of nowhere like a redneck version of Cooger & Dark's Pandemonium Shadow Show,setting up big tents by the side of the road, promising thrills and bedazzlements, and selling explosives by the truckload. After the flash and bang of the 4th, they'll disappear again and be a distant memory come the 5th. But never fear, they return each year to feed the insatiable Southern appetite for the smell of sulfur and the flash of fire.

Worst are the black market guys, who sell the illegal stuff. They can be found hanging around the edges of the "legitimate outlets, and specialize in M-80s and sticks of dynamite. No fancy colors, or streamers from these guys. Nope, they are into serious destruction and firepower. Want to see a toilet fly 10 feet into the air? How about watching a garbage can become tinfoil? Then this is your man.

That reminds me of an old joke, about a good old boy out fishing with a game warden. The good old boy pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it into the water. When it blew up, a tremendous geyser of water showered both men, and several stunned fish floated to the surface. Our hero calmly scooped the fish into the boat while the game warden looked on aghast.

"Earl," he said, "I am aghast! You know that's illegal! I can't believe you'd pull something like that in front of me."

Earl looked up as he tossed him a lit stick of dynamite and said,

"Are you going to argue, or are you going to fish?"

There's something about southerners and blowing stuff up that seems to go together. Sadly, we aren't always too particular what we blow up. Once we get started, it just seems like the bigger the bang, the better.

"C'mon now, honey, we needed a new truck anyway; besides, did you see the size of that fireball?"

Often we aren't real careful either. The two most dangerous times in a southern boy's life are hunting season and the Fourth of July, when the death cry of the Southern White-bellied Redneck "Hey, Bubba! Watch this!" echoes through the hills with dismaying frequency.

Neighbors, I urge you to try and keep your children from this vice. Protect the little darlings from the cheap allure of mass destruction. Keep them away from the fireworks counter, and have them read a good book instead. You may avert a terrible tragedy, like what happened last year when a young man almost lost his life in a tragic firecracker related incident. He was reaching for the last 100 Shot Saturn Missile Battery with Whistle and Report, and I needed it for my display. I'm happy to report that he will recover almost completely, and you can barely notice the limp. But the next kid might not be so lucky.

Posted by Rich at July 3, 2002 7:07 AM