Shots Across The Bow

Hillary's House of Hillbilly Love (and Bait Shop)

Hillary's House of Hillbilly Love (and Bait Shop)

I don't have time to date. More specifically, I don't have time to look for a date. I stopped and figured it up one morning on my way home from work, and I realized that after work, commuting, working out, taking care of the house, running the kids here and there, not to mention blogging for you people, I have about 45 minutes a month left over for dating. And that's only if I skip a few showers here and there, and sleep for only three hours a night. If by some strange twist of fortune I actually engage in nocturnal carnal activities on this date, that reduces the available time for seeking a partner to about 42 minutes.

So you see the bind I'm in.

I've tried to maximize my opportunities for meeting eligible women, but the opportunities are limited. I refuse to flirt at work, being a firm believer in the ancient Chinese tradition which says you don't chase your honey where you get your money. I'd flirt at the gym, but the women there are either too old, too young, too big, or too strong. (Yikes!) I'd flirt at Walmart, with the rest of Sevier County, but most of the single women there are looking for husbands, not boyfriends, and I've already walked that road.

So, I usually rely on the time honored tradition of seeking out remunerated companionship at "Hillary's House of Hillbilly Love (and Bait Shop)"* Unfortunately that option grows less attractive, as do the women involved, particularly since I don't drink. I know they say that all cats are black in the dark, but it just doesn't get that dark. Believe me, it doesn't.

So, I've decided on a new approach, one that seems sure to maximize my opportunities, while minimizing the time required:

I'm entering the world of computer dating!

I signed up with a website last night that sounded perfect for me, Madame Mabel's On-line Matchmaker and Pharmaceutical Supplies** One stop shopping at its finest! I filled out the forms on their site, sent in the twenty bucks, then wrote my ad. Now I believe in truth in advertising, but I also believe in UFO's Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and that there may be a virgin in Georgia older than 13, even though I've never seen any of these things. So I used all of my creativity, along with liberal amounts of poetic license, and came up with the following:

Looking for Mr. Right? Then keep looking sister!

Handsome middle aged man with all his teeth and hair seeks young female with same for long term relationship. (Actually the teeth are optional. I don't want to limit myself unnecessarily.) Looks are unimportant to me (although if you look like Pamela Anderson, that's a big plus) and they better be to you. I'm more interested in what's inside you than the surface, and look forward to exploring that in great length. If you want to know what I look like, picture a cross between Tom Selleck and Harrison Ford. Got it? OK, I don't look a thing like that. You should be employed, but still have the energy to come over to my place and clean it up from time to time.

I enjoy hiking,. camping, swimming, bowling, and hyunting, so don't expect me to be around the house very much.

I'm not looking for one night stands; I believe you should really get to know, like, and respect a person before you tie them to your bed and whip them, but I'm getting ahead of myself. That stuff can wait until the second date.

Mostly, I'm looking for someone to talk to, who understands the way I think, and agrees with everything I say. If this is you, respond to this box, and I promise I'll reply quickly, especially if you include a nekkid picture of yourself.

*We now carry fireworks!
** Us too!

Posted by Rich at July 3, 2002 6:37 PM